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I joined Twitter in 2009.Mainly because I wanted to read white people Jokes. White boys and bored house Fraus make for the best comedy.  As the site took on a life of itself, Kenyans latched on and it didn’t take long before we made Twitter our own. #Someonetellcnn being a defining moment in the narrative that is #KOT. The world took notice. More importantly, we took notice and Kenyans logged into Twitter in droves, making it a Mecca for social media enthusiasts.It has now become a small proud kingdom on account of all the keyboard wars they’ve won thus far. What do characters do we find in a Kingdom? First we present the royalty i.e bigwigs, court jesters;tweeps always posting memes and witty wordplay, guards; grammar Nazis, peasants; smallwigs, and the reason I have gathered you all here today, the veritable harem of nubile concubines i.e twitter whores ,Thots, rachets…et cetera, et cetera… Do you know that Jennifer Lopez, MILF supremo, can’t enter into your local supermarket and get a packet of milk for free?! But that some fat boy from Soweto, Kayole with 10,000 followers could have Ms. Braeburn gargling his balls right this minute? All long locks and yellow skin tongue that thinks bacon is cheap gargling sweaty ghetto balls! In this ailing economy, there’s one thing that remains the cheapest, Vagina. If you are sitting there thinking that you need to spend ridiculous amounts of money to get that hot girl into bed, then you need to be introduced to Twitter. Where a girl will part her thighs for a guy whose Twitter handle appears next to some number he can’t even deposit in a bank or buy him a fart in the wind. I am not one to speak from a high horse, I could give a shit if girls put their snatches in a sling and aimed them at cops during a riot, I don’t care. What I’m trying to do though is make sense of these matters. Sidika and Co. will be whores for money. Koinange and SJ sluts will lick boners for money too. Asa Akira and Jesse Jane will deep throat for a fortune. Gold diggers will screw that old man for upkeep and soon will bone him into an early grave for the inheritance. So pray tell, Twitter Slores (slut+whore) why do you do it? No! Don’t tell the audience! Tell me, *clears throat*…. for a follow back and RT privileges ;). They will send nudes and invite a random stranger with 10000 followers (never forget the currency) into their inner sanctum and it’ll be moisturized accordingly, no panties for easy  access, so that said stranger, can follow them back on Twitter and also retweet whatever she posts. Oh, that’s all? HEY! I was beginning to think all this wasn’t going to make sense! (I’m taking sarcasm classes, this was my homework) Is your life so empty, so void of meaning that you would debase yourself for such meaningless a prize? It’s clear you have no shame girl, and to spare even a little mercy for your soul for such would be a total waste. In other words, What The F*? This does not bode well for the rest of us. Why? Because believe it or not, women are the glue that holds society together. You disagree? Adams choice was simple, eat apple get pussay. The war of Troy was fought because of Helen of Troy’s vagina. Bill Clinton, perfect record until he couldn’t resist som’n som’n from Lewinski.  Get the picture? Vagina is valuable, not in the conventional monetary terms but in a social and evolutionary sense. Giving it away for retweets is lowering the stock for a very valuable commodity. I’d be like selling a kg of gold for a shilling. A Tanzanian shilling!!! It fills me with bile to think that the fate of society is going to be washed away by the wetness in a sexually wanton tweep’s vagina. But like the late great Oscar Wilde said, “Bitch keep your knees together!” IMG-20140819-WA0000
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In the books I read as a teenager, it was always the first time for the heroine when the hero laid her down gently on the canopy bed/ soft grass/ beach sand/ animal furs… He always knew what to do, where to touch, what to say, how slowly to go, how fast and the heroine always reached orgasm that first time… Even from a blow job alone!!! A virgin! Cumming from giving head! Yeah…but I swallowed (hehe) it hook’ line and sinker. Don’t worry though, I didn’t remain blissfully ignorant for long. I realized that fat, middle aged, white men were responsible for writing that trash the very first time I ever blew someone. He was a boy from church that was introduced to me by my best friend. He was from my ‘dating tall guys’ phase and he was perfect. Cute, older, tall, skinny, well mannered… We got to his place and talked for a bit before he asked if he could ‘taste my lips’. Corny , I know. I gave him my permission and we started making out. A few minutes later and h was predictably in my bra, under my panties, touching, feeling. I knew he was a virgin (most church boys were at that age) and was amused that he had gone that far. Also curious about how much further he was willing to go. He took off my panties, gave me the cursory amateur level head required to make me compliant, then asked me to reciprocate. You should’ve seen the look on my face when I caught a glimpse of his trouser snake, standing there proudly engorged and bigger than any in the pornos I’d watched to prepare myself for this moment. I obviously overestimated my prowess when I convinced myself that I could handle that weapon of mass destruction. I don’t know what good I’d done in this world for the universe to grant me such a fine gift on my very first sight of an erection, must’ve been a Mother Teresa-like act of charity. Either way, I wasn’t going to squander this opportunity. I took it into my hands and swore there was no way I’d let him fuck. My virgin ‘minx’ would never ever forgive me if I let him tear through her innocent walls. So I stuck out my tongue to taste him. Hmm…not bad. I liked how he smelled – manly without the interference of the usual sandalwood in cologne. I could get used to this. I pulled him deeper being careful to avoid contact with my teeth. I remembered advice from a dirty book I’d read to make my mouth a vacuum to increase the tightness of it all. This apparently felt too good because he did that thing that call girls HATE!!! He grabbed the back of my head and started ramming that huge thing towards the back of my throat. Oh God! The choking!!! In a few minutes tears were rolling down my face and I couldn’t breath! I was busy cursing my overzealous lust that made me pick a Maasai guy in the first place! Those people are famous for their shukas and what lies underneath. There’s a reason they’ve never liked trousers! They’re not…umm…accomodating enough. I was done with big things from then on. Hakuna haja ya kujiumiza in the name of pleasure. If you died choking while giving head what would your parents even tell people? “She was having Chinese and choked on python.” Lol, irony is that the Chines are more famous for little lizzards.        
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