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My partner in crime, FacialKnight, talked about the benefits of choking the chicken juzi. According to him 100% of dudes have gone through that same experience, only, with a few variations. Most people I ask agree with him…some giving me the weirdest stories, you boys can be quite the drama queens when it comes to masturbation stories. Oh, you want to hear them? Stick around and maybe one day I’ll repeat some of the funniest. I actually happened upon my own journey to the heights of heaven quite recently. So recently in fact, that it was actually only four months ago. Yes, I had my very first self induced orgasm in April. 2014! Shocked? You must be a man. Most girls identify with me in this predicament. We don’t know how to give ourselves orgasms. What girlie? You think you can? What exactly do you feel? Good? Is that your final answer? Really good? Enhe! What else? Oh, satisfied? Well, well, well…call me a hoho for I am green with envy! ( see what I did there?) You, lady, do not know what an orgasm feels like. Worry not though, I have said this before, the sex-ssiah is here to save you! Save you from the sad sad anticlimax that is your life! First and foremost, do you know what a clitoris is? No? You’ve probably never looked at your vagina as well…with a mirror, to examine it, pussy pics don’t count. Well, there’s an erect clit right there.   Are you looking at your vagina? See how it shines, all fleshy and moist? The little (or big) hole beckoning a phallus for penetration. That right there, is your beautiful monster. So, what to do with it? First get yourself good and horny. Look for the sexiest romance novel you’ve got and read only the sex scenes, one after the other until you feel all tight down there and all you want it to find a man and shag his brains out. Don’t. Instead find that mirror and look at yourself again. See the clit, all erect and shiiid… Touch it. How did that feel? Too much? Rub the sides, gently…like you’re swiping on your touch screen. Make sure you’re really wet. Buy and use sexlube if necessary. #NB: Under no circumstances should you use petroleum based products. Lotion, vaseline, coconut and baby oil are out! Yeast infections start like that. I know this from…umm… personal a friend’s experience. Water based lubricants only! So, you’re wet…keep rubbing…rub some more. Only rub where it feels good, a bit like electricity shooting through your loins. Ignore everything else. Rub until you start to feel like holding it in. This is where it becomes tricky. Under no circumstances should you hold anything in. I guess I should have told you before but you need to make sure you’ve been to the loo before you start because you’re going to have to let everything go once the feeling starts becoming too much. Let it all go like you’re going to pee right then and there. Don’t stop rubbing. Don’t stop until your world goes black, a flash of light appears and turns into millions of starts and your body starts to twitch like you’re epileptic. Don’t stop until touching you clit is actually painful because it’s at maximum sensitivity. Then, and only then, will you know the beauty of an orgasm. One more thing, concentrate on your body. This is not the time to start wondering where baba boi is, or whether all you’re having for dinner is strong tea bila sugar. Respect the time you reserve for Idris Elba girl! That man is a god that you should all rub yourselves to in orgarsmic worship. ENJOY 😉

afrhead A friend of mine swears he can’t eat vagina.  Don’t worry,  I have put our friendship under investigation, like, how did this neanderthal make it into my list of friends? Men can be selfish idiots! They will want a girl to get on all fours and lick their balls but will not reciprocate. There should be a law against this. Lock up those bastards the same way they lock up their tongues. Who wouldn’t want to partake in this most delicious treat that even culinary masters can’t cook up? You don’t know what you’re missing.  That look on her face when you lift up her skirt and you go down, and she realizes what you are about to do. You caress her legs as you kiss her inner thighs. You part her legs so you can have unfettered access to her already glistening mound. She trembles at your deliberate touch, as you spread her wetness around her lady lips. Then you kiss them – those luscious lips, her sharp inhalation lets you know you are heading the right way (hehe, ‘head’ing). Your tongue invades her cherry coloured chamber and wanders up and  down as if searching for the light switch. The tangy taste of her juices lines your tongue and bombards your senses with the aroma of ecstasy! Her hips shift. You search for the little knob atop her vulva and draw circles around it with your tongue. Draw it into your mouth and massage it with your tongue while French kissing the rest of pink flesh. It is a struggle for her to keep her sanity and not allow the neighbours to know she is being driven to the edge and about to fall over. Her clitoris is now engorged and seems like its about to pop. Your face is buried in her hole and you are going at it with all the elegance of  a renaissance artiste. She is bucking with reckless abandon, and you’re holding her down. She shakes violently while holding her breathe then all of sudden…. she arches her back and suspends it mid air for a few seconds…. she has reached the heavens and is slowly coming back down to Earth. How would you not want that?!