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Isn’t it always so sad though, when the perfect man is hopeless between the sheets? He could be just the right age, the right build, the right job with the right kind of money, personality, well read, good conversationalist, funny, an adequate sexual history, good looking, smells good, you go dancing and after a little grinding you’re not disappointed to find he’s well endowed. By all accounts you’re fairly certain this guy should give you a good, if not necessarily amazing, sexual experience. Then he doesn’t. Isn’t it so annoying when you sleep with someone you shouldn’t and find they’re magnificent, absolute gods in the sack, masters in the coital arts? Ummm…when I say ‘someone you shouldn’t ‘, I don’t mean someone with whom it’d be illicit to sex, say your sister’s or best friend’s husband/boyfriend. No, I mean someone that’s usually a pain in the ass, completely irritating, or someone ignorant and blissfully so. Someone that smells or dresses badly and talks like people doodoo in his mouth. Someone you wouldn’t take home or out to meet your friends. Someone you’d prefer to hide. Why is it that you sometimes find a deep sexual connection to someone that is completely wrong for you in every other way? Sometimes I like to fantasize and think that maybe the novels are right: that if you’re really sexually in tune with someone, all the other odds should melt away and you’d finally discover that he is really meant for you, ‘The One’, you were just too busy fighting it to notice. This would mean that our gonads are the ultimate lie detectors- seeing right through the untruths we tell ourselves. That you can lie to your brain and your heart, but your Ps and Ds are not to be fooled! Isn’t this true for sexual incompatibility when all else fits? Isn’t a failure to click sexually universally regarded as the immediate failure of most relationships? The assumption that things will work out just because his key fit your lock is foolish. What if there’s a slide lock (konji) blocking your way from the other side of the door in the name of his wife battering habits? Or her incessant nagging? Will you stay just because the sex is good? I know people who do. I also know (and have been in relationships with) people that have left the relationship mentally, emotionally and occasionally in a physical sense, when the sex isn’t very good the first few times. They figure that there can be no deep emotional or mental connection after that, without the sexual bit. They forget that our brains and bodies are well equipped to keep learning new skills. Expecting someone you met a few weeks ago to know how to move with you and how you like your body rubbed is the height of stupidity. Are you the one that taught them? Sexting doesn’t count, coitus is a practical, not theoretical, science.  If you find that they’re the perfect lover during that first sexual experience, then you should surmise, at best, that their most immediate ex had sex habits that were just like yours. Not that he’s the one. Don’t cling to a bad man just because he made your clit sing and don’t throw away a good one just because he didn’t know to bite your nipple and call out your name just before you climaxed. The Alejandros and Prince Charmings in the stories we love almost always wed virgins who knew nothing of sex and their bodies. They cannot be blamed for expecting and finding these experienced harem taught men, to be the perfect lovers. Wewe na Mkikuyu/ Mkisii/ Mnigeria wako sasaa, over experienced and still behaving like an ignorant virgin. Acha ujinga nanii. These connections are built and earned, they’re not automatic.

A few years ago the gorgeous Jude Law (2nd white guy I’d totally bone) was caught cheating on his wife, the goddess Sienna Miller, with their droll, below average looking nanny. It was disgusting! No one even expected Sienna to forgive him. Fucking up is acceptable, men are humans too after all. Fucking down? Totally unforgivable. But that’s what’s happening when you fuck the help. Do not sleep with the maid!!! I know it’s a mission in futility. Shimo ni shimo to you hole happy bastardos (insert Italian accent). She’s nearby and paid to please you by meeting your every need. Sometimes what you need is pussy, no? It’s unfair of your wives and mothers to employ pussy containing helps and refuse to let you sample their warm and wet goods. Inhuman dictators! It’s always hilarious to hear stories of a guy’s coming of age, in between the hormones, pimples, awkward public erections and the stinky sweat that no deodorant can penetrate, comes the inevitable sex with the housie story. The maid is fat/ thin, old/ young, ugly (cute helps are a rare and much coveted commodity) the one thing they always are though is unshaven. That bush, nay, forest is the first glimpse of adult female parts most of our boys had. The girl asks him to touch, smell, lick, put his thing inside. He’s scared, excited and can’t believe his good fortune. This memory will forever remain engraved in his mind as one of his most erotic episodes of his life. Is it any wonder then that the help is who they turn to when bedroom things in their marriages becomes a dull affair? I for one never  plan on hiring a stay at home help once I’m…hihi…ma…hihi…ma ma…married…rotflamao!!!! Having her around waiting on him hand and foot is already bad enough. Giving her a bed? It’s like swimming in shark infested waters while on your period, you’re gonna get bit. My son is already going to feel around those things. Having him share her with daddy is just ewww! Apana! It’s more common than we’d like to admit. Sons and their fathers in Africa have been sharing pussy for centuries! Ever since the ‘8th’ wife phenomenon where the old geezer insisted on buying a teen bride for his 50th birthday. His older sons would nyemelea that ass safe in the knowledge that any child formed of their union would be considered their father’s.  Still, ewwww! Either way, when my boy turns 14 I’m getting a spankin’ housie. Let him be the envy of all the other boys in his school. Gettting schooled  by a supermodel in the coital arts. Keep shaking your heads, accepting people as sexual beings clears up a lot of unnecessary family drama. Just ask Kaos and the Mijikenda. Cheers to hot ass mboches and the lucky teens that get to tear up that bush. Cheerio lovies.