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I read this story once where a village girl wandered down to the river at the dead of night. She was sleep walking but was fully awake at the same time. With her leso tied around her breasts, she made her way down stream to where she knew the village madman liked to sleep. She got down there, undressed, got into the water and begun to wash herself as she sang. Her sweet voice travelled to his ears and stirred him from his slumber. Who could be singing at this hour? “Nani huyo?” “Ni malaika wako!” She called back. “I can’t reach my back, njoo unisugue.”  He dutifully obliged. Who disobeys angels? He removed his sparse clothing and walked into the stream. He body was half submerged but she was looking away from him so he couldn’t see her face. He reached her and touched her shoulder to let her know he was there. He ran a finger down from her spine to her lower back. She stood still, her breath steady where his was already laboured. Her back was soft and he savored the feeling. How long had it been since he’d touched a woman? Did he care? Why should he when he got to scrub an angel’s back every night? He took sand from the river bed and slowly spread it over her back. It was so fine he knew it would never graze her delicate skin. He wished he could see her face. Was she beautiful? What were her breasts like? They couldn’t be very big or saggy. His angel was ageless, they had to be perky. He continued rubbing her back. Hadn’t they laughed at him when he told them of his angel down at the drinking hut? They thought it a delusion of his madness. Bus she was here, he could feel her under his fingertips. He could never touch his hallucinations. His angel must be beautiful. Just as beautiful as her soft back. He could feel his manhood stirring in the cold water. The motion of the flowing water combined with the feel of his angel always made him this way. He turned away so that he wouldn’t poke her. He was not one to defile an angel. He rinsed the sand off her, bath time was over. He was just about to turn and leave as he always did when she leaned into him and begun to rub her soft bottom on his hardness. He froze! Was it a gift? For his good behavior all these years? Should he grab her and have her right then and there? What would she feel like at the front? Warm and wet, sucking him into her depths, like the women he used to fuck? These thoughts almost drove him crazy! No! He would not take her. She hadn’t told him to. He would take his gift and be grateful. Wasn’t this much more than most men got? His rational train of thought died there as sensation rapidly took over his body. He grabbed her by the shoulders and leaned his head into the crease in her back. She continued to move her ample backside on his stone hard length. He was about to cum. “Malaika…I’m about to…” She giggled. Oh what a sweet laugh. He exploded! On her way back to her hut, the girl laughed to herself thinking how brazen she was. Why had she even been reluctant to come for her turn? It was much more fun teasing Mwenda than it was her boyfriend.  Should she tell the others what she’d done? Maybe not. They might take things further as a challenge. She didn’t want them to spoil her next time. A tingle went through her to settle between her thighs. Next time…afron  

My mum and aunties were never shy about sharing their childbirth horror stories with me, they are, in fact, embedded right in there with some of my earlier childhood memories. Along with skipping rope and learning my abc’s comes talk of back aches and feeling like your vagina is tearing into two. Suffice to say that when my turn came about a year and a half ago, I was a huge pain in the you-know-where to my obgyn and his nurses. A med student with talkative aunts, I was what they delicately call in the scientific circles, ‘a much know’. Immediately the baby popped and I was being stitched up though, I realized that there was one thing I did not know: Would it ever be the same, down there? I loooove my minx. My sexual partners before loved her too (don’t let the ‘s’ fool you, it was one at a time…mostly :-P). She was sooo pretty and tight and ravenous!!! Couldn’t get enough. Was my P, after pushing out a 2.6 kg baby and tearing a little, going to go back to it’s normal pre pregnancy state? I asked my doctor and he gave me the standard medical answer: The vagina is elastic and is designed to bounce back after child birth, tighter if any tears are stitched up properly, in fact, in some cases , the sex is better. Was this true for me? Well, no. Not for a really long time. A friend of mine asked how soon after, I had sex, and I told her, about 8 months. She was shocked! Why? She asked, hadn’t she started doing it at week 2 and was fine? Well, at first the whole area was really sore, then I healed and I just didn’t feel like it. I hadn’t known this lack of libido since I was 4 (I was a horny child :-/ ). I was worried! So I prowled the mighty Google in search for information. There was loads! You know the rest, I was tired from the pregnancy and effort of birth and the baby had to be fed every two hour so I wasn’t getting enough sleep. All this could be helped and in a few weeks I’d adjusted and wasn’t so blue anymore. There was however, one thing I couldn’t fix, and it caused me no end of worry. I learned that hormones a bitch! You’re happy all the time, dancing around with your little one singing like a Disney princess; this is the oxytocin and dopamine high nature gives you so that you don’t eat your poopy, screeching bundle of cuteness, and this is technically a good thing. Technically because, a happy, self satisfied woman, with a child does not need sex and her body will make sure she doesn’t want it. An evolutionary mechanism to avoid your happy go lucky knobs from implanting a sibling that’d take away nourishment from a newborn. Her “panua miguu” hormone disappears for a while 🙁 . No sexy hormones were coursing through my veins until almost a year passed. I even went to my doctor who gave me news almost as tragic as Wamalwa’s nose! He said it was normal and I should begin to worry after 2 years. 2 freaking YEARS!!! What. The. Fuck. 2 full years? TWO! Mbili! This monkey was not happy! I tried everything!!! Porn; I had a 50GB collection by the time I realized it wasn’t working. Wanking, nothing. Phone sex, zilch! Skype sex, zero. My sex drive was nil and my only recourse was to wait. It came back with a bang! Not literally though…One day, I was just seated watching telly, a hot guy came on and I felt it…a little tingle, down there. I squeezed my legs like “Is that you little clit? Are you back?” She was! I was ecstatic and rubbed one out in welcome. Minx was back and we were going to paint the town red!(Ok, again, not literally, that’d be disgusting) I was wrong though, my sexual misadventures were not over…

Njoki Chege made a valid point when she talked about irresponsible wives letting their husbands drown in belly fat. It is irresponsible behavior, and anti marriage, because how do you expect that man to sex you, his wife, till Kingdom cum, and keep the family bond strong? Can he even find his dick to piss? Probably why he keeps dripping on the toilet seat, eh? He can’t aim! What about the wife using her children as excuses for being obese. Can she even ride him or are her thighs to heavy to lift up and down? It has occurred to me that probably the reason most people have unfulfilled sex lives is not because they don’t know the Kamasutra by heart, or they don’t have a lifetime subscription to Pornhub, it’s because of their bad feeding habits. Oh, you didn’t think that your creamy vagina was dependent  upon what you put in your mouth? (lol, stop thinking of penis for Christ’s sake!) Sex is like sports, you need to be well practiced, well exercised, well rested, and most importantly, well nourished. Our Generation though, is married to KFC, with Pizza Inn as the mistress and Kenchic as the rachet ex girlfriend. We feed or bodies trash and this reflects in every part of our lives  (yes, fat lips are a thing ladies), then we wonder why ours is a sexually frustrated nation. So for your next meal order some food that will do wonders for your bump and grind. Asparagus is vegetable that I am sure wasn’t the most popular when we were kids, but as an adult make sure you have it in bulk, makes your pee smell a little but is well worth the effort. This little veggie contains folic acid and potassium. The former component increases the production of sex drive chemicals and the latter is for strong boners bones, which are always useful. Add some to your man’s food and he turns from EPL enthusiast to Alejandro in no time. Complete with bare chest! Androsterone is a chemical that appears in male sweat, no, no, I’m not asking you to go lick someone’s arm pits, you don’t need to. It is odorless but raises flags in the Female olfactory system (admit that you didn’t know that’s the nose 😛 ) that go, “Bitch, fuck this sweaty nigga NOW!”. This chemical is also found in celery which actually helps you shed weight because it uses up calories instead of adding any when you eat it. So next time you’re at Zucchini gentlemen, purchase a few Celery sticks to help with your uhm…stick. Halloween is coming up and I’m excited! Not because I plan on dressing up, but because i will be collecting all those Pumpkin seeds you cool kids will be setting aside after carving. Pumpkin seeds help produce Testosterone in men and awaken sexual desire in women. I will testify that I have tried these before, and let me say the sex was so good I shed a tear (I cry a lot during shag, can you tell? Don’t judge, Jesus wept too.) Ahuacatl is what the Aztecs called what is popularly called an Avocado or the Testicle tree. With that kind of moniker need I say more? I’m a great talker so I will anyway. The avocado increases libido in both sexes. In my opinion I think you should let her handle this tender fruit, coarse on the outside, mushy on the inside, to get a general idea of how she will handle your balls…but, we cut up Avocados so that’s probably a bad idea. (Nyeri chiks I see you) Cardamoms are found in Pilau masala. These spices increase blood flow to your nether regions and we all know what that means, horny bastards straight ahead! No wonder coastal people are always shagging, it’s all the Pilau and Biriani they keep wolfing down. When a Pwani girl cooks for you, you should realize that if it’s Biriani for lunch, pussy is dessert. Arrive prepared. Considering the way they slow wind their waists while humming random bango songs… *tausi mpenzi wangu, mpenzi wangu wa thamani*…Shit! I need a minute. I’ve said this before and I’ll say it again. There’s only one cure all for these disorders affecting men today, erectile dysfunction, impotence, premature ejaculation? Is that what you’ve got? Just eat some pussy and watch it go away! Ladies, cramps, pms, yeast infection, crabs, chlamydia, suck that dick like it’s oozing biriani!* *not recommended by a licensed health practitioner, but fuck it! what do those guys know? It’s not like they went to school for 6 years to learn any of this…oh, wait!