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“Bestiality is an ugly word for a beautiful act. Inter species love is the purest kind. Beyond colour, race, sex, appearance, smell. Beyond species!” a pal of mine once told me. He was stoned off his rockers and we’d just heard a story about a monkey that approached a lady in the diaspora (Rongai) for a little cross species hanky panky. Here’s what happened. The ape came to her window, knocked until he got her attention. It pointed at its monkey ding dong and then started to dance, waving its blue butt at her and making strange, guttural monkey noises. The lady, obviously scared shitless, chased the monkey away with a broom, not understanding that all it wanted from her was a little tender loving care. It kept coming back, obviously determined to get into her pants. After a few days of this monkey courting, the girl called in KWS and they took the beastie away. SMH, a lesson to all apes out there, human females get your balls chopped off if you dance around and ask nicely for some pussy. This phenomenon isn’t restricted to our alcoholic deprived men of the Central province, as you can probably surmise, from that story. Other species apparently find our hideous hairlessness, attractive! Almost all of us have watched that video of the donkey chasing an older white woman around, its turgid length erect and pointing at her bottom the whole time. If you haven’t, look for it, it’s HILARIOUS!!! That mama ran for her life! Weh! You would too though, if you had a meter of animal D aimed and ready for your butt, coming at donkey speed. Yes, that thing was at least a meter long *shudders*. So it seems that animals want us just as badly as Nyeri men seem to want them…or at least donkeys do, good news for Naivasha peeps. Ladies, don’t think I’ve forgotten you. How can I when I recently watched a video of a girl from my shags (Kitui) getting shagged by a dog!? Eh! It didn’t end at the shagging though, I could forget that! I’m not some naive virgin that doesn’t know these things happen. What got to me, was that she took it’s doggy penis out of her vajajay and into her mouth. She sucked Scooby doo off…and swallowed *pukes*!!! Even if I live to 200, I will never ever stop being thoroughly disgusted by that 20 second video. Nzisa (that’s her name), wherever you are, let me ask you, did that German (the video commentary was in Dutch) pay you enough to buy a castle and a few thousand peasants to take turns at brushing and flossing your teeth every minute of every hour for the rest of your life? That’s what you’d need to show me to understand why you’d swallow…*gag*…a dog’s…*gag*…c …c…cum *pukes again*! As soon as the Central Kenya bestiality stories came out, all sorts of videos, of men from all over the world, inserting their things into domestic animals, showed up on my whatsapp. Indians, whites, Latinos…everyone is coiting beasties. That this is a multicultural thing was quite clear. It’s not even a thing we can blame on “wanaume was siku hizi”. People have been boning animals for millenia! Jason of the Argonauts, hero of Greek mythology, fought a minotaur whose birth was credited to a queen that couldn’t stop fucking her prized bull! Irrono. I can’t say my stoner pal was right about it being beautiful, but maybe we should just accept animal loving as a part of our diverse society. Humans are disgusting creatures in and of themselves already, what’s a little animal loving to come between us? Did you know that we’re the only animals that drink milk from other species? Think of what the other animals think of that? Milking their tits for something that even they don’t drink past infancy! The things that we let slide with nary a thought for how yucky they really are! Too many! Why judge a chicken fucker in Kiambu and even jail him for it, when we sat down and let Wambui kiss Mbugua, on the lipsd, tongue and all, on national television? Totally ruined my childhood.