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Your time to become a sex goddess that leaves your man a quivering mass of spent fantasies and lifeless organs, is here! Kegels you’ve probably heard and are tired of hearing of. Magazines and doctors have been extolling the virtues of this vaginal wall exercise for decades but still the men talk about ‘basin pussy’. Is it that we don’t listen? Or are we too lazy? Do we forget to keep doing the squeeze and release? Have kegels become a tired cliche? All these perhaps? Kegels are not optional girls, they are compulsory! As compulsory as wiping after a number 2! They help you reach orgasm much easier while giving you more erotic control over your man, win-win. Kegels tone you pubococcygeus muscles (PC’s for short, like pussy, only it’s science), which is a set of three that run from the back the the front of the pubic bone to the front, encircling the opening to the vagina and the anus (hey! kegels are a two for one!).  A good way to know which muscles to use is to try and stop the stream midway through peeing. The muscles you use to do this are the same ones you need to contract and relax as you do your kegel exercises. How do you do them? The Kegel Routine 1. Locate your pc’s by stopping and starting the flow of urine. 2. The short kegel squeeze: contract the PCs 20 times, one squeeze per second, breathing out gently as you tighten. Don’t push down when you release; simply let go. Do two sets every day. Gradually build up to two sets of 75 a day. Then add: 3. The long Kegel squeeze: contract your pcs and count to 3. Do about 20 sets of this relaxing between contractions, building up to 75 sets a day. When you get to expert level don’t stagnate, keep increasing the time of contraction, working up to holding for 10 seconds and relaxing for 10 seconds. After this add: 4. The Kegel push-out:  After releasing the contraction, gently push down and out with your pc muscles (don’t force the push). Don’t neglect any as you learn to do the rest. Instead, create a kegel sequence that combines long and short kegels with push-outs — for example, 10 short squeezes, 10 long squeezes, and five push-outs (any sequence will do, whatever makes you comfy) The Butterfly Quiver:                                                                                                                                                Two months of the kegel routine and your strong pc muscles will be able to grasp his penis, contracting and relaxing around it in a sex move called ‘the butterfly quiver’. You must talk about it before you start, to avoid any confusion and impatience. Get him nice and hard, then go on top. Sit on him and start your sex goddess routine. Without any of you moving any other parts of your bodies, tighten your pussy around his turgid staff then release, tighten, release… Keep doing this until your contractions and releases are pushing him in and out of your honey pot. Both of you must be patient and build up to orgasm slowly. You can rub your clit on his groin as you keep the contractions going around his member. If your pc muscles are strong enough he should feel like your sucking the cum out of him when he ejaculates. Like you’ve given him head with your pussy! Do this and watch to see if your new argument in your home won’t be that he has no life out of your bedroom. If you don’t believe me let yourself go, have a flabby pussy, and when your sisters and friends come to bitch and drink your wine while abusing your resident cheating asshole you will have this niggling thought at the back of your mind, “Maybe if I’d have done my kegels religiously…” The government and I can only do so much, we can’t force you to try and keep your man.

We women like to think we are perfect. That our bodies are perfectly engineered to please man. Isn’t that why they’re so obsessed with sex? Isn’t just showing up with a well groomed muff enough to make the man in of life drool and hump his way to an orgasm in a matter of minutes? Well, in the past two decades it has been proven that men, like us ladies would prefer a little variety under the sheets. So we came up with a cornucopia of sex moves, some pulled directly from that hole-y of holy books, the Kamasutra. Dragon in the praying-mantis, the lotus, cat in the cradle and other such terms became common bedroom lingo and fellatio (genital in mouth disease) spread like a bad flu. In all this it was accepted that men are visual creatures and ushered in the era of Victoria’s Secret lingerie. Women adopted the thong and wonderbra combi like it was the long lost lovechild of Aphrodite and R. Kelly. We have worn crotchless panties and pierced ourselves in the unmentionables to please the thirsty eyes of our men lest they look elsewhere for a little lovin’! Has this changed the divorce rates to a more favorable number? No. They have instead, very surprisingly, increased.  Nobody is staying in marriages anymore. The situation is so dire that the British government is now paying couples 20 pounds a months just to stay together! The Kenyan government laughs and moons it’s gigantic butt at anyone that dares suggest such nonsense. They have instead sent me to teach you a few things that may be missing in your relationships and have promised that if this doesn’t work, they’ll take my initial suggestion to just scrape the whole institution of marriage from the constitution. No marriages et voila! Zero divorces! My next few series of articles will feature this monster called ‘sexercise’ that I promise will NOT involve going into any gym. Those of you that have seen me will know that most forms of activity that involve getting out of breath are my natural enemy. I hate stairs and will only go on long walks if it’s a romance thing and there’s the promise of serious hanky panky afterwards. Speaking of hanky panky, I won’t even have sex in positions that involve excessive activity on my part (hate going on top). So trust me ladies when I say that sexercise won’t involve you breaking a sweat. Your man though, I will not be implicated if you use these methods on a 50year old and give him a heart attack. Be sure to take him slowly.