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“What turns you on?” Such a loaded question! The sheer quantity and variety of possible answers to this question is daunting! You can’t ever tell who’s more scared. The person that asked or the person that’s answering. Either way there’s hesitation and the possibility of rejection. The person asking is asking to be trusted and the person answering is unsure of unconditional acceptance. We guard our fantasy lives better than the president’s BMW is. You won’t ever find my, ‘sex with a stranger’ fantasy in Uganda, being sold at half price. You’ll argue that as we’ve become more sexually liberated, it’s become easier to talk about our secret sexual wants. People nowadays spend a quarter of their lives with their mouths on the nasties down under and threesomes have become common place phenomena. Fantasies? What fantasies? You’ll ask. Do people have those anymore with all the crazy sex we’re all having? Well, as with all things, balance must be maintained. The more sexually adventurous we are, the deeper the darkness that’s the pit of sexual depravity becomes. If your dream of having a threeway with Kim K and Kanye is fulfilled you will for some weird reason find yourself craving a little tumble with Flava Flav and T.Pain…at the same damn time! You’re disgusting. The list of socially acceptable fantasies isn’t very long. Men and women share a few: domination/submission, oral sex, threesomes (ffm, mmf), voyeurism ( watching sex, for the vocabularically challenged), anal, exhibitionism (nudes anyone?), role play, taping sex, fetish sex and force fantasies. Those ones have all but been exhausted. They’re so commonplace you can buy a book with instructions on how to ease your partner into it, the pitfalls of said sexual activity and to show you how well researched it is, the advice will most probably work. My thought pattern thus leads me to the conclusion that things are much much nastier in those brains of yours. If you’re comfortable enough to ask your saint of a wife to part her cheeks for you to stick it into exit only chute, then you’re probably neck deep in the ‘2 girls one cup’ zone in that dirty mind of yours. There’s nothing wrong with being nasty when your partner is cool with it. It can be admittedly difficult to bring up your crazy need to put a dildo in her ear, yes. The trick though, would be to ease her into it. Try licking around it a little first. Whisper to her in random places that her earlobe, hanging there, taking in two shiny studs, like a slut, is turning you on. Then stick in your little finger when you’re doing the bedroom jiggy. A fantasy is an idea. Plant the thought and eventually she will want that dildo in there. (Is this why the Maasai have those large holes in their earlobes? If yes, the bigger the hole, the bigger the…right? – Things that keep me up at night) The point must be made though that you cannot ask for some complicated stit if your basic bedroom game is well…shite. How do you expect your partner to take your request seriously if you can’t even kiss her properly? She’s not going to gargle your balls while pulling your 3rd left toe if you can’t make her cum from basic clit play. I’m sorry but you’ve got to get your ABC’s right first lady, if he’s going to bring in his crew for a gang bang. You’re not going to embarrass him with your mediocre, weak tongue, no swallowing, all teeth, head. Get your game straight, give your person a night to remember and next time you make a “special request” it’ll be met with joy and enthusiasm and they might even add a little something of their own that takes your nastiness to new and unprecedented levels.
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I spare no amount of effort nor will power in saying this, knowing¬† fully well that i shall bear a great cross once these words escape my mouth but here goes… *exhales* Kingwa Kamencu is the voice of our generation! Look, I said it and didn’t turn into a pillar of salt! The former presidential aspirant, hit the blogosphere again and this time with¬† pictures that had nothing to do with politics. Photos of her seated, nude, have been circulating the web, and I’m sure a few cell phones, over the past week. This is the same Kamencu who brought us such hits as “Its ok to fap, in fact the Government should support it!” and the ever popular, “No underwear? Don’t care!” Constantly in the limelight, this time she decided to bath in it nude and it’s this latest venture that has me convinced that she speaks for us all, ridiculous as it may sound. Nudes. They have become the drug of choice for all pop culture junkies. Social media has promoted them to such an extent that there are apps that facilitate the exchange of nudes. Snaps of bra-less boobs, erect dicks, dripping wet pussies, asses! Nothing is too sacred to be shared and no one too holier-than-thou to press that send button. It’s a generation so obsessed with nudity, we sell it and not even in the conventional ‘buy a trashy magazine’ sense. Remember that chik who was selling her nudes on Twitter and Facebook? Exactly! I didn’t buy one but you if you can, put her number in the comments section, it’d be much appreciated. Lol, I’m kidding! (My editor made me say that. Seriously, number, comments section, below.) How did we end up here though? Most of us were raised by God fearing parents, went to Sunday school, probably took part in a biblical play or two, went to high schools sponsored by churches… How did we get from “Yesu ni bwana” to “100 RTs and I twitpic my clit” so fast? I think we’re reverting to our original selves, as God intended, and by that I mean, the beginning, just after creation . Adam and Eve lived peacefully in the nude before they fucked up royally. Nudity wasn’t a sin then. Just as it shouldn’t be now, or anything to be ashamed of. How could it be when it’s the form we assume at the purest point of our existence? Birth. It’s only associated with sin because that’s the first thing Adam noticed about himself when he sinned against God. God didn’t say it was a sin, Adam did. Society since has has had us believe that we shall burn in the fiery pits of hell, should we dare have a garment out of place. We are told nudity encourages sexual behavior. Of course it does! I’d be disappointed if it didn’t! It’s good to see the merchandise before actually buying it. And what about ‘Go forth and fill the earth?’ First law God ever gave us. Even before that tree stuff. How are we supposed to procreate without attraction? It’s best we all remember that sexual attraction, is a natural human instinct. It’s not wrong to want people to be attracted to us and thus showcase our…ahem…goods. We are all vain to an extent. When you hit the gym to exercise, and work on your glutes (buttocks, for those that aren’t fitness savvy) , ladies, do you not wear a tight dress to show off your figure, to exhibit your tight ass? Guys, when you are all ripped and the abs are killer, do you not hit the beach to make ladies swoon? You see! People need to get that stick they have up their collective ass and lighten up. This point has to be made, nudity creates jobs. Yes, and Kingwa should use this as her platform for her next presidential bid. Job creation for the unemployed, sexy youth. Our socialites pose for pictures that sell very well for the photographer. Where would the world be without the ass on legs that is Kim Kardashian-Faciaknight (in my fap dreams we are married awaiting divorce so that I can be having angry ex-sex on the daily) We all know how she got started. Sex tape manenos. Film is a form of expression, like writing or painting. She was expressing her right to wobble that ass on Ray J’s face. Just yesterday, reports surfaced that Hollywood’s A list female celebrities all had their phones hacked at the same time! What was the hacker searching for? Nudes of course! And because since the advent of camera phones none can resist the urge to immortalize their gonads, they managed to get nudes of all those targeted! Without even missing one! What is the statistical probability of that happening? 1 (hi5 mathematicians!) I can’t wait to get pics of Jeniffer Lawrence, her rack on American Hustle was award winning! n.b: The fact that I’m doing my shopping today and will double my usual supply of tissue and lotion has absolutely nothing to do with this breaking news *clears throat * Its painfully obvious that we are fighting a losing battle, trying to mask this primal urge we have to get naked and advertise. Just succumb to it and take a picture of your Double Ds. As for those nudes for sale, niko na titty fifty, hio ni boob moja ama kunyi nusu? I’m asking for a friend.
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