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This conversation takes place from  9am – 10am between myself and Peter Penis. “Hey dude! Wake up! I’m always up before you everyday. This is getting old ” I struggle to open my eyes. ” Peter, you always wake up before me ever since we were kids. You’re a penis so that’s kind of in your job description ” He looks at me. ” I might be a penis, but you’re a dick. You need to give me a bath after yesterday’s party. I still smell like your wife’s girlfriend, Vanessa Vagina” “I thought you liked Vanessa? ” ” I do but it’s not working out. I’m going to give her the whole ‘it’s not you its me’  speech later on today” I am now fully awake. “Don’t you dare Peter! You’re not ruining things with wify and I just because you have commitment issues ” ” Man grow up! Of course you are defending Vanessa, you two are related. Tell me  when you are going to the Pussy family reunion. She even has a mustache like you. And by the way, tell your wife to shave that damned afro on Vanessa. This isn’t the 70s bitch ” ” No way! I’m not broaching that subject! ” ” Nigga please! Grow a pair! ” I look at Peter with a raised eyebrow. ” I do have a pair. You’re attached to them Peter” “I meant grow another pair because these don’t seem to be serving you too well. How the fuck are you going to let your best friend wade through the Amazon rain forest just to get to some pussy!? You’re a cold hearted muthafucka man. ” ” Ok! Ok! I’ll talk to her. But if she gets mad she will punch you Peter” “Let that Bitch try! I wish she would. Next time I’m in there stroking Vanessa I’ll throw up on the bitch in a minute. See how she likes that shit.” “Simmer down Peter we aren’t throwing up in a minute. You know damn well, we’re usually in there for an hour ” ” I know nigga, we some bad muthafuckas!” ” Yeah we are!!!” ,*Fist bump* We go take a shower. Peter is using up all the Shower gel. ” Peter, you do know this shit costs a fortune right? ” ” It’s not my fault you’re a broke ass nigga. Fuck outta here with that poverty nonsense. I better be clean if you want me to be licked tonight. And by the way, how come we never see Tabitha Tongue nowadays!? Did she move or what” I try to change the subject. “Crazy weather we are having right? We’re taking a scarf today ” Peter exhales. ” What did you do this time.? You fucked up didn’t you? You probably told wify she’s gained a few pounds that’s why she won’t lick me ” ” Actually It wasn’t me. It was you. She said that every time Tabitha Tongue hugged you, you threw up and she doesn’t like your vomit” “That whore said what? Of course I vomit! Molly Mouth and Tabitha Tongue are pretty persuasive when it comes to that dialogue. Haha I said ‘come’..And anyway, If she doesn’t want to lick me, lets find someone else who will ” ” We aren’t looking for anyone else Peter. We  are just going  to… ” ” Going to what you spineless douche! Let’s find someone else. Lisa at the office has been checking you out the whole week! Have you seen Angelina ‘s ass! I’d love to say hi to her ass hole. Might get a bit nasty but as you can see I have a lot of shower gel ” ” No. We aren’t going to have anal with Angelina. Wify might find out ” ” Well excuse me Milady, I wasn’t aware you were ovulating. There’s an app for synchronising your period with your wife, shall I get it for you? Fucking pussy” “So I’m a pussy for wanting to remain faithful to my wife? ” ” Nigga this isn’t shower talk! How the hell are you talking about fidelity to another nigga while in the shower? Are we gay man? I’m i going to find myself in Anthony’s asshole man? Should i wear glitter now?” ” Peter you’re such a prick” “Where’s a mirror, lemme see. Last time I checked I was still a prick” We  get out of the bathroom, and head to the bedroom to get ready for work. “Which boxer do you want today Peter. The red plaid or the blue plaid? ” ” The fact that you make me wear plaid boxers is what’s wrong in this relationship. We aren’t fucking Irish man! Next thing, you’ll want me to put on a kilt. Get me some black ones. I want to look like Batman” “Batman. Really Peter? ” ” What, you have a problem with that Catwoman? Get me some damn black boxers. I’m tall and I have the physique to carry the look” “You’re 8 inches tall and you have one eye Peter. Batman doesn’t look like that. ” ” Screw you man! You just had to step on my dreams like that? Fuck what you say, Lupita said my dreams are valid. You just made me emotional man. This is some 30yrs a slave shit” “Ok, I’m sorry. How can I make it up to you? ” ” Get me some new porn. Something like AssParade, or Prince of aLabia. And not that silicone bullshit like the girl has been bitten by the Godzilla of the bee kingdom. Some natural Colombian shit. Yeah, yeah Colombian. ” ” I thought you liked Brazilian booty” “I did, but after they got anally drilled by Germany in the World  Cup, it got a bit awkward jerking off to them. I was like, they already had enough sex, I wasn’t going to add to that orgy” “That’s very considerate of you Peter” “I try man, I try. So we have a deal? ” ” Yeah, sure. Colombian porn it is” We dress in our Batman boxers and head off to work. “Hahaa. Peter, I said Head! Hahaha” *Fist bump*

You probably have a ton of favorite positions when it comes to sex, but what about foreplay? If your pre-sex routine is feeling, well, routine, it’s time to get creative with your mouth moves. Here’s a tip…or eight, on how you can make him/her cry out your name even before the action begins.
  1. Leg Up oral-sex-02 Let your partner kneel on the floor as you lie down at the edge of your bed while holding a leg up by the thigh. This lifts up your hip a little and allows you to add some movement to his stroking. In this position, turn your pelvis around like you’re dancing to a Konshens song (to the uncool and elderly, that’s ndombolo, lingala style dancing.) This way you can rub your clit on his face whether or not his tongue is in the right place, and you’ll get yourself off. 2. Legs Wide Shut oral-sex-03 This is for those that find direct contact with the clit to be a bit too much sensation. Lie down with your legs closed. Have him kneel or lie in front of you then apply light pressure on your lady lips while he rubs his tongue on the area around your sensitive kambosho. You’ll find that this indirect stimulation often does the trick. You have to actually give him instructions on this one. Tell him what feels good and guide his tongue away from where it doesn’t. No need to tire him out na kumbe he’s doing zero work. Bonus tip: Lads, it helps to think of the clitoris as a tiny dick, because it technically is one. It doesn’t begin and end with just the little bit poking out of its covering. That’s just its head. Feel for the rest of it within the flesh just above the hood. It’ll be really hard when she’s turned on. Just like your penis, the underside of the clit is really really sensitive and rubbing under it through her fleshy folds can really get her blood pumping. Most women prefer this to direct stimulation of the head of the clitoris because the pleasure there borders on pain. Just put your finger at the junction between her lips and the clit and gently press inwards, rubbing around until she tells you it feels good. Then keep rubbing that area with your tongue or your finger for her maximum pleasure. 3. The Elevator oral-sex-04 I call this the elevator because it’s the perfect no-bed-required, quickie approach to giving head. Perfect especially for your office building elevator. Ladies, do not forget to cover your teeth with your lips. I cannot be held responsible for accidental bobbiting (the dictionary term for ‘biting his dick off’. Yes, there’s a word for it.) Bonus tip: The trick to great head is lots of tongue and lots of saliva (ask how much, some don’t like it too drippy). Put out your tongue, over your lip-covered teeth, like a kid in nursery school 😛 like that, yes. Try it now. You’ll look ridiculous but it’s worth it. Your tongue in this position will create friction on the underside of his penis as you bob your head up and down. Also make sure your mouth is tight enough so that the dick head is gliding on the roof of your mouth as you suck him. You’ll know you’re doing it right if there’s a suctioning kind of screechy  sound coming out of your mouth and his eyes have rolled so hard he’s staring at his retina. Warning: Only do this if you want him to cum in your mouth and intend to swallow. The cum will go straight down whether you like it or not. 4. The Throne oral-sex-05 Any out-of-bed sex experience is always a bonus to me and this is a great one. Sex in a chair just has a need-you-now hotness that’s only paralleled by sex in a club loo. Sit in a chair with your legs spread wide with your guy kneeling in between them. He can take control away from you by lifting your legs as shown in the picture above but feel free to make suggestions because ultimately you know your body way better. 5. Man On Top oral-sex-06 This is a comfortable position for you and a super-erotic one for him. Lie back on the bed with a pillow behind your head, then have him straddle your shoulders. He can support himself by holding the bed’s headboard or a wall. You can’t move much in this position so he’ll basically be fucking your face hole. If at some point he’s too enthusiastic, it gets to be too much and you find yourself gagging from too much ‘dick in throat’ then you can grab his hips to put yourself in control, slow down his movements and decide how far back he can thrust. 6. Magic oral-sex-07 As the name suggests you will think you’re in bed with a witchdoctor on this one. Lay back with a pillow under your hips so your pelvis is tilted up. Bend your knees, and place your feet on his shoulder blades. Here’s where the magic comes in: While your guy is doing his thing, have him use his hands to push gently upward on the area on your groin just above your lips, away from the pubic bone. This helps bring the clitoris out from beneath the hood and he can lick and suck to his hearts content. You will come out of this calling NASA and wondering where you dropped your flight suit because you’ll have seen all the stars from this universe and the next one. You will solve the question of life during the orgasm he will generate. Don’t be shocked if you get on one knee and propose afterwards. Fellas, this is the position she needs to be in to guarantee you that sandwich when you’re done. 7. Cowgirl 69 oral-sex-08 Cowgirl 69 as opposed to boy-on-top 69, which is just too awkward in my opinion. Consider this the absolute win-win when it comes to oral.He gets some, so do you, and it’s a total time saver for those in a hurry and for whom foreplay is a must. Have your guy lie on the bed with you on top, facing the opposite direction. While you’re on top in 69, you can control the intensity of oral stimulation on your clitoris by lifting or pressing your pelvis. When you’re ready for a change, roll over to side-by-side 69. 8. Sit On My Face oral-sex-09 Get ready for total control. While your guy is lying down, straddle him by placing your knees at his ears. Hold onto a wall or headboard for support. For an added bonus, have him hold his tongue firm as you gyrate your hips, pressing your clitoris against it in whichever way feels best. This is a favorite with many and which guy doesn’t want a vagina on his face once in a while? What’s that guys? Oh, all the time? Well there you go girlie. And apparently a big booty or thunder thighs don’t hurt your chances of getting into this position. He will pinch you if you start to suffocate him.   So there you have it, 8 reasons why you should never complain that foreplay is a dull affair. Have fun trying them out and let me know in the comments section below if/when you’ve tried any and how that went.