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So a few days ago, a pal of mine said I have really twisted theories…I sooo don’t!!! Ok, maybe I do. What you don’t realize is that all I’ve been giving you ARE scientific facts, for real! Just a little extrapolation and some aromat, kidogo tu. Now, I decided to show you exactly how deluded I can be at times so I’m going to give you an actual Minx Theory, bold, in capital letters and trumpets braying….tararantanta!!! (yeah, trumpets bray) THE ARSE THEORY It goes without saying that each part of our bodies was created or evolved for a reason. These functions are detrimental to our survival everyday and in the future i.e the reproductive process. The gluteul region is not left out in this ASSpect of creation. Yes, it is used for walking, running, standing up et cetera et cetera, but it’s somewhat auspicious placing in the pelvic region begs for a reevaluation of all it’s functions. Most people will say that it’s reproduction function applies only in females where it provides support, energy and essential fats for the development of the foetus. I tell you today that men’s butts also play a role! WHAAAT!!!? You’re shaking your head in disbelief? Settle yourself down comfortably, preferrably with a snack in hand, ’cause I promise this’ll be good. *cracks fingers* A man’s ass or arse if you’re British with that gorgeous accent, is mostly always a bunch of well developed muscles (for others is a blobby mass of turd).  Biologically, muscles contain mitochondria i.e organelles that produce energy (Google organelle, it’s not my fault that you dozed throughout high school biology). Energy from the butt is primarily used in locomotion and and support of the upper body. This is where it gets interesting. This energy is used for other purposes too. Locomotion i.e movement that doesn’t involve walking… Can you smell the idea taking root…no, don’t shake your head…denial ain’t just a river in Egypt you know… Stay with me here. Yes, it’s been said time and time again that men do most of the work during coital relations, I’m not denying it. Well, where do you think this energy comes from? Definitely not the feet or knees, those are just support. And the thighs are just not big enough to produce that number of Joules, especially not on our scrawny legged Kenyan men. Left in this region is, you guessed it, the butt. An uninterupted mass of flesh. Packed with enough mitochondria, producing enough power to heat up my frozen chapo. You ask what’s the reproductive significance. Well, think of this. Dudes pick up potential mates after assessing their baby bearing capabilities, i.e mammary glands (large to extra large), hips to waist ratio (between 8-9), facial features (wouldn’t want your baby to look like a mongoose now, would you?) Why shouldn’t chicks have a list? Six pack (if he can lift himself off the floor, he can lift you too… umm…in case of a fire), side burns (you want a good hair line on your kid), nice muscular arms (more lifting), nice face, bank account etc (we’ll get into the list some other time) Back to the ass. It is said the purpose of the female orgasm is so that the contractions of her vaginal walls suck in semen directing it into the uterus and subsequently the fallopian tubes where one out of a million sperm meets the ever grateful ova and they kiss, fall in love, a little penetration and a zygote is formed- voila fertilization. If a guy has a nice firm really muscular ass then he’ll have an adequate amount of energy to not just merely ‘tap that’ but to hit it so hard it lands a million light years away! That is, give her an orgasm so hard it’ll cause several earthquakes. This might even shake out a few other ova from her ovaries and form not one but eight zygotes (over active imagination) See, many babies. Another thing, when is the condom most likely to break? When having slow lingering sex or when having that rowdy kinky very loud action that can only be described as a ‘mind altering fuck? From the many girl talks I’ve participated in, females have long understood that the best people to provide these kinds of coital relations are rugby players (those thighs that ass! WAAAH!!!) Baby making ass, that’s what we should start calling it, BMA.

Ahem! Attention! I’m talking to you. Yes you! You with the nerd glasses, you with the single condom in your pocket that’s been there for 8 months. Yes  you that a certain Jennifer has told that her parents aren’t home. You know what that means, today might just be the hallowed day. Day for what you ask? Stop acting coy with me, I’m not your randy Uncle on Christmas day huko ocha. I’m talking about the day that you finally get to wet your stick. The day you get to use an actual vagina, and not your hand courtesy of Nivea. The day you finally get some coochie, Irima, Maku, pussay! YEAH!!! I wont say it’s the day you become a man, it takes more than tickling some girl’s Labia to be labelled a man but it truly is an auspicious day. You deserve a BMW for this occassion, I’ll see if Kamwana has another to spare. Now that the ululations are out of the way, lets get to the nitty gritty. The Do’s and Don’ts of this event are as complicated as the stitches on Vera Sidika’s scalp, but the following faux pas stand out. 1.Condoms. There is nothing romantic about contracting a venereal disease or becoming a father at an early age. The girls your age most probably had sex ages ago, as soon as their tits sprouted, every male within a 10km radius came begging for some, tongue hanging out like a thirsty dog. You see that konda in that hot mat? Yeah, he hit that shit. She gave it up faster than cashiers in a bank robbery. You can’t  be sure if they used protection or not. So strap up. Carry a few, and throw away that ‘lucky’ rubber that’s been in your wallet for 2 years, ‘just in case’. That old thing will be prove to be your most unlucky decision when it breaks and you become a 16 year old father of triplets. Fuck what your friends will tell you in those stupid euphemisms about eating a candy with the wrapper on, its not cool to die in pursuit of busting a nut. STDs are real and you will catch them if you don’t wrap it up. I’m the expert here, pay attention. 2. Embarrassing Moments and Performance The thing with boys is that when we are not having sex, we are thinking about it. Since you haven’t had it yet, I’m sure you’ve spent a lot of time watching it. Porn, or movies and programmes with heavy sexual themes have been your comfort so far. You see the way the Sheriff on Banshee screws those girls like a maniacal beast, yeah, your first time will be the exact opposite of that. It will be clumsy, awkward and above all embarrassing. This experience will take your dignity, step on it, spit on it and proceed to urinate on it. There wont be enough dignity left to wipe your ass with. Take me for example. There I was, naked. Nestled in between her thick thighs, pussy in sight. I had watched enough porn to tell myself that I was going to destroy this shit! She wouldn’t know what hit her. Missionary, I supported  myself using my left hand and proceeded to to guide my dick into her using my right. Damn! She was tight! I smiled on the inside with glee! I looked down at her, hoping to be met with that look of “oh my God you’re so big!”, but no. She had one eyebrow raised and told me as a matter of fact, “You’re in the wrong hole”. Yes. It will be that embarrassing. Even if you do get the right entrance, its pussy. It is the most sadistic entity known to man. It will get wet and warm, and you will stand no chance. You will cum within seconds. Should you survive the initial fleshy onslaught, there is the matter of wanting to impress her. Making her cum.If you are anatomically blessed, you might be lucky and unwittingly hit her G-spot enough times to make her orgasm. If you work your angles well, you might hit her Clitoris, that most magical of knobs, and get her to her peak. Those two are pretty big IFs! The first time is usually a bust. You will need countless more sessions and an inquisitive mind, to even be considered “Good”. 3. Who to stick it in Your choice of who to fuck is as essential as your performance. I know, I know you want to share this with that little girlfriend of yours because it’s special blah blah blah,but nigga please quit being such a vagina! I wont tell you that you aren’t in love at such a tender age. No. I’m sure its love, or at least thats what your heart believes, which is ok. But this has nothing to do with love. Its imperative that we make it clear that Sex and Love are two different things. You may not understand it right now but this is a lesson you will learn later on in life and it is a painful lesson to learn. First time sex is made awkward because you do it with someone as clueless and daft as you. It is much better to chose an older, much more experienced girl. The neighborhood skank, your older sister’s best friend, the house girl (don’t give me that look) or just save up for a prostitute (what did I say about that look?). The point here is experience, not morality. These girls will understand that you’re young and won’t be looking for you to impress them. They will smell the virgin in you, and the fact that you chose them to be your first will do wonders for their esteem. The things they will do to you will probably make you cry. Don’t be ashamed. They will also show you the ropes- where and what to touch. These will be important skills to take back to your little crush. She will appreciate it. When it comes to sexuality, the learning never stops. There’s a lot more that I could tell you but most of those things are best learned on the job. So my little minions, go out into the world, your little pricks engorged with blood and do me proud! Yikes! Do her, do her! not me…and I’ll  be proud!   N/B: If you are an aged and experienced male reading this and you have kids in your life 15-19 that could use this (sons, nephews, cousins, neighbours…) get off your ass and stop being selfish. Either sit them down and have the conversation or forward them this article. We cannot let Kenyan men continue with the bad reputation that we’re incapable of satisfying our women. Education muhimu.