I have urges, very specific, very weird urges. Urges I never act on them because I would then be an asshole. I have thought of dropping someone’s phone in a bucket of water just because there is a bucket in close proximity. And it has nothing to do with whether I like that person or not because sometimes I experience the same temptations with my phone. And it’s not just with phones, sometimes I wonder what would happen if I opened the door of a moving car and stepped out. I think I know what would happen but I still wonder in what horrific ways that would entail. Who knows maybe it would be awesome. Maybe I’m superman and I’m just an accident away from realizing that I can fly. It’s however comforting that I don’t have the balls to do it because nothing is awesome about brains splattered on the tarmac which leads me to think that it’s just my brain acting out.
Way I see it, it’s just my brain flexing its muscles to remind me that it’s still in control but I don’t like referring to my brain like it’s an alien being occupying my skull that I have zero control over because it’s with this very brain that I am able to write this. One might argue that there is actually an alien in my skull and I’m only writing this because it wants me to but I’m not entirely convinced there is an alien race smart enough to occupy a brain but not smart enough to know that I would make a terrible host.
That’s one way of saying that I’m not very smart.
Plus if it’s my brain’s way of reminding me that it’s still in control, who is it reminding, itself? That raises some pertinent questions about my thought process. Who makes the decisions, me or the brain? If it’s the brain, where does that leave me? If it’s me, where does that leave the brain? If it’s the both of us, who am I? If I’m asked to describe myself, do I consult my brain or does the information just flow from within brain excluded. If you don’t think there are two of us, why are you even reading this? Where is your sense of understanding nonsense?
Don’t even think about, these are the shenanigans that endless migraines are made of.
Aliens aside I would like to think that I’m in absolute control but sometimes an insane thought comes to me and I’m not so sure. I have to close my eyes and shake my head a few times to gather what’s left of my mind. The consequences of said thoughts if acted upon are unfathomable. I mean have you ever thought of spanking the lady in front of you in a queue? And that’s not a rhetorical question; if you have I would like to know that I’m not alone. It happens to me on more occasions than I would like to entertain.
I have incredibly giant hands and I’m worried that one of these days I may give in to these urges and let one of these monsters loose. I’m not being hyperbolic here, my hands are indeed monolithic which was a bit weird for me growing up I was a scrawny chap, a bony kid with monumental hands. I don’t know how I escaped endless ridicule and it’s not because they feared hand to face reprisals. The cool kids made fun of my other shortcomings but never the hands. Maybe they were not smart enough to crack a cruel joke about my hands or perhaps my brain never registered the ridicule as bully stabs but as everyday small talk.
“Hey you, yes you with Giraffe hands, what did you steal today?”
“Ignore him, dude. He has a small penis.” – Brain.
Anyway back to the lady in front of me. Many have stood in front and with their backs to me and it will almost always happen. I get the same thoughts every time and please don’t read anything into it; it’s not a reflection of my perversion. In an actual sexual situation I find it rather pointless to put my hand on my partner’s tender bottom in a non tender way. It doesn’t do anything for me in that particular aspect. It doesn’t even come to mind. It’s only when I’m fully clothed and in public that I consider spanking a good idea, never mind the fact that these are total strangers. Not that it would go a whole lot smoother if I spanked someone I know in public. It’s not like there’s an unwritten rule that friends are okay with random spanks in full glare of unforgiving streets. I suspect the outcome would be same for both parties.
I’m however more mortified of the unlikely scenario where a spankee, (let’s pretend that is actually a word) responds positively and urges me on. What would I do then, spank again or walk away. I’m pretty sure if you spanked a random lady she will respond in kind but let’s for a moment entertainment the idea that she would like a surprise spanking. It’s because of that particular possibility that I have never spanked anyone in non-intimate environment. If she liked it I would have to do it again and again and again and… well you get the point. Maybe she would even call a friend to inform her of this surprisingly awesome spanking happening down the street.
What happens if this friend is equally liberal (I’m not sure I completely understand the word ‘liberal’) and she wants some spanking as well. That would be a problem because I have a bad wrist and I happen to suffer the unfortunate disability of not being ambidextrous. I have bought a few ointments but they don’t seem to work (for the wrist not the ambidextrous thing).
Bottom line: don’t spank random women on the street, they might like it. It’s a tiny possibility but a possibility nonetheless. Also there’s no moral lesson to this one thousand word plus article. Actually now that I think about it I don’t suppose anything I post anywhere will ever be apt for any moral compassing. I’m not of sound mind enough to even entertain the idea that I might actually influence someone to do something of substance and societal benefit.
Now I will try to find the back door (pun thoroughly intended) and pick a bone with my brain as to who is in control. My money is on the brain and if that’s the case, then it’s not really my money, is it?