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Suckers! This is actually an article on how to succeed in life…suck seed, hihihi.

Anyway, back to the booty. Now, all my anal experience upto let’s say, 2015…involved the wrong kind of lube, lotion. There was also this running joke about people who carry baby oil in their handbags… Suffice to say, all my attempts were tragic! I kept tearing and nothing was going in! Fuck! So what was I doing wrong?

Here are all my tips, on how to put a phallic object through one’s anal sphincter successfully. 

1. Lot of The Right Kind of Lube
It has to be water based. Has to be! We cannot continue putting petroleum based products inside delicate tissue membrane and expect to come…cum through it without major tearing, a yeast infection and bacterial sepsis! Please, listen. This is crucial, use lots and lots of water based lube. How should it be used?

2. Prepare Your Bumhole
Now, I’m not here to tell you to wash your booty. This is not a hygiene blog and some of you swing in the most disgusting directions, whew!  This is to tell you to start by putting small phallic objects in there first before your ambitious libido goes straight to the mandingo in your bed. Acclimate your sphincter by first inserting well lubed fingers, one after the other until you’re comfortable with the entire enterprise. Go slowly, si ati ni lazima, you probably have other perfectly functional holes that can be used in the meantime while you teach yourself to enjoy having something moving in and out your bum. 

Preparation also involves getting lube inside your anus. You need it in there, even if you’ve already emptied half a tube of KY onto the penis/dildo, believe me! The thing is super tight, which is why it’s so sexy in the first place, a lot of that lube will be squeezed off of the penis on entry. Itaachwa nje yaani. Get some inside you!

3. Have an Orgasm
If it’s still hella uncomfortable, or even painful, your brain might be getting in the way. You’ve been told it should be painful so your body’s automatic response is to clench. I could tell you, just relax…but that’s stupid. You can body hack by getting an orgasm right before you start trying to penetrate your behind. Orgasmic contractions are very involuntary and so is the post orgasmic relaxation. You’ll be surprised how easily things will slide into your anus once you’re in that orgasmic haze, caring about nothing, remembering zero misconceptions about how painful sexual practices religion forbids conveniently are.

4. Keep it A  Marathon
You don’t have to get it right the first time. You have your butthole with you forever, nah? If a mandingo isn’t going in, try it with someone smaller. Work your way up. Pole pole ndio mwendo.

If you successfully get the head in, please go slowly, si ati you ram it in and go full hardcore on a sphincter! YOU MONSTER! Keep the movements slow until the person under you says either of those magic words “Harder!” “Faster!”

You’ve been edumacated. Go forth and conquer an anus.

The backlash from starting this website…sirizetu, was *whew* tremendous. Did it stop my fucking? Fuck no! Did it stop me writing about all the penis? Yes! And who lost? All of us. But especially me. How?

I used this platform to interrogate a lot of my sexuality as an early adult, as well as to explore what I wanted it to grow into. Writing about all the dick I got and what I wanted to keep doing with it allowed me to see past the veil of shame that patriarchy had so bestowed upon me by virtue of gender, at birth. I saw past it, in my retelling of how things went down, right upto the point it occurred to me that yes, that sexual encounter was rape, that other one was rape too, so was that one and the other one too.

Others saw it to, mostly perpetrators. People around me who had known of these encounters and ‘helped’ me bury the discomfort around them under jokes and witty anecdotes and yes, shame! Victim blaming. It took ages to figure out why so many of my close friends suddenly wanted to ‘save’ me from my sex blog.

Like…wasn’t it good writing? The stats were bomb! I was getting offered writing jobs. What was so damn wrong with it that the social consequences were so harsh. Why was I losing longterm friendships to a sex blog?! I stopped writing.

And then I stopped interrogating my sexual encounters. I talked about the blog, but I stopped discussing the dick. This led straight down the path it was meant to. I became a respectable lil queen. I got stable, non sex related, writing work, someone asked me to marry them, hello more respectability…It was all good till it hit me on my birthday that I was majorly depressed.

My life looked nothing like I wanted it to. My ambitions seemed even further out of reach than they were when I was homeless in Nairobi. I admitted for the first time, under the influence of a lot of red wine, in tears, to myself and my then fiance, that I was a rape victim. #MeToo. Then I proceeded to sleep on the couch because sucker was a victim blaming pig.

Months later, I was out of an admittedly abusive relationship and the rebuilding started afresh in 2017. There was SO MUCH damage! So fucking much! Most of it financial. All the infrastructure I’d put in place had been systematically destroyed by people I had thought were well meaning friends, even while the blog was still running they were actively shutting it down at every turn. Fuck them.

We’re back baby!

The night wore on, the conversation grew deeper. Judging that Kasee would be privy to his hound dog attempts at unfurling the voluptuous package that was Sawyer, Mason suggested they move to one of the couches that occupied the rest of the lounge away from the counter. Mason learnt that she wasn’t from Nairobi. She lived in Kitale, she was in town to meet up with her siblings to look into the possibility of opening a business. Though she was from the countryside, she was obviously well learned and travelled. She spoke of the Croissants sold on the banks of the Seine in France with a nostalgia of a European far from home. In contrast, he was more guarded in his revelations. Telling a woman about your Father’s death wasn’t exactly the perfect ice-breaker. Every once in a while he stole glances at her mocha skinned chest. Her breasts weren’t mammoth sized beasts testing the capacity of her brassiere. C cups he had guessed. Having not yet settled down romantically, Mason had spent his fair share of time down womens’ pants. He knew a bra measurement from across the room. He had put more nipples in his mouth than he cared to remember. Or it could be that he couldn’t remember. “You keep staring at my boobs like they’re showing a football match “Sawyer shot at him. ” Really? Thinking about balls are we? He retorted with a sly grin. “Keep on talking that game Mason and you might have to back it up” “No, you back it up”. The sexual tension spiked in a heartbeat! By this time both of them were into their fifth glass of whiskey. Inhibitions had been drowned out. The chemistry between them was palpable. Sawyer drew closer to Mason. He wasn’t one to be given an inch and not take a mile. He leaned in and kissed her. She grabbed him by the shirt and pulled him in, searching his mouth with her velvet tongue. The kiss was so deep, she could feel her heart palpitate with every swirl of Mason’s tongue in her mouth. Leading her to wonder what else that tongue could do. He reached for her waist, his hand traveling up to those breasts. Her nipples stood out like pencil erasers. He had to have her. He stood up and walked to the counter. “Kasee, call me a cab. I won’t be able to drive ” Kasee obliged and signalled to the bouncer. Mason walked over to Sawyer. ” Lets get out of here” She got up, her gait wobbly from the Golden Label, took Mason’s hand as they walked out and into the waiting taxi. Mason could barely open the door to his apartment, Sawyer was all over him. Her hand down his pants, grabbing and stroking his quivering dick. Once they got in, the pulling and tugging started. Each trying to undress the other quicker. He unhooked her bra and started to suckle and bite on her nipples. Her moans egged him on. She dropped her jeans to free that thick ass. Mason was hypnotized. He could feel his mouth go dry. He grabbed her  and turned her around, so she could grab the nearest sofa armrest. He lowered her panties, sliding one finger in and out of her drenched pussy. She was so wet. He couldn’t wait to be inside her. He unbuckled his belt, dropping his pants low enough to let his dick out. He slid right in. Her moans and hurried breathing echoed through the silent apartment. His thrusts gathered pace then slowed down. Changing the rythm. He could feel her wetness trickling down his shaft and onto his balls. “Fuck! You’re gonna make me cum Mason” “Cum for me baby” Sawyer bucked and wiggled her hips, Mason steadied her as his dick tormented  to bury her in the depths of pleasure.He was almost there too. He plunged deeper into Sawyer, cumming inside her, filling her pussy until his sperm dripped onto the tiled floor. They lay on the sofa, bereft of energy.Still heaving from the aftermath of what Mason did to her, Sawyer sat up and looked at him. Mason knew that look, he knew what she wanted to do to him, and he was going to let her. Sawyer stood up, his sperm still trickling down her thighs, and took his hand, leading him into the bedroom. She walked, with Mason in tow until she reached the foot of his King sized bed. His den, where many a Woman in sexual want were slaughtered. She sat him down, pulling off his pants, then his boxers. Her gaze fixed upon his. His dick was still pulsating, stains of his cum evident on his shaft. Sawyer, caressed his thighs, her face leaning towards his slumped dick. She licked his soft knob, her tongue went under it gobbling Mason into her warm mouth. She sucked him, willing his cock to come to life. Mason leaned back, the sensations making him squirm.She slobbered all over his dick, her tongue massaging his shaft until it was engorged and filled her mouth. She stood up and straddled Mason, he took hold of his rock hard cock, to guide it into her pussy but she held his hand. She guided it further behind her, into her ass. The look on Mason’s face was priceless, he’d only ever been inside a woman’s ass in college. Tiffany, his then sweetheart was quite the experimental spitfire.Who was this woman atop of him! Letting him invade her sphincter! The saliva on his dick, helped ease him in. Her hole was tight. He worried he’d hurt her, but the predatorial look on Sawyer’s face, said that he was the one in trouble. Her sphincter walls contracted and expanded at her will, making Mason feels as if he was being sucked off. She bore down on his dick, squeezing it with her asshole, as she rose.She took off the bra that had surprisingly survived the undressing. She took his hands and put them on her breasts. He fondled and squeezed those plump beauties. Sawyer gyrated her hips, changing rythm, slow, then fast. Mason could feel it in the pit of his stomach, he was going to cum. He stiffened, shooting his seed into her rectum, slow moans escaping from his breathless mouth. Sawyer cupped his face, giving him a slow kiss. They collapsed in a heap. Mason catching his breathe.She watched him as he slowly drifted off to sleep. When Mason woke up around mid day, Sawyer was gone. Not a note in sight, neither did she leave a number. Most girls did, but then again Sawyer wasn’t most  girls. 4 MONTHS LATER After the initial scandal that had rocked his family in regards to his Father’s second wife Sheila, Mason had worked closely with lawyers to settle the estate affairs.Especially now that there was proof that two of Sheila’s children, were fathered by the deceased.Edward Munga’s agricultural business continued to run under his son, Mason’s stewardship. What was remaining however, was the division of his wealth between his two widows. Mason tired of the legal proceedings, decided to invite Sheila over to his family home so that both families could get to know each other over a meal. On a sunny Sunday afternoon, Mason’s family home was a hive of activity, in readiness for the guests. He spent most of the time in his room looking over the finacial statements ready for negotiations. He’d also called Maxwell, a family friend who was a lawyer, to sort out the legal jargon. He was called from his room and informed that the guests had arrived. He got up and headed to the living room to find they’d already been served drinks. As he walked over to greet them, he stopped. There she was, seated looking straight at him. Sawyer. He knew well enough not to speak.Sheila rose and greeted Mason and introduced those that she came with. Two young men, who were her sons, and Sawyer, her daughter. A whirlwind of thoughts flooded his mind! How in the world was this possible!! Why?? He  could see it in her eyes too. The confusion, the bewilderment. He tried to meet her eyes, but they evaded him as soon as they made contact.The ripples of his Father’s betrayal, reaching out to him even beyond the grave. As lunch was being served, everybody took their place at the dining table,Mason managed to seat next to Sawyer. He could see that gorgeous cleavage heaving, she was nervous. They sat in silence as the rest chattered away. Mason knew he needed an ice breaker. He called over the househelp. “Marie, go into the cellar downstairs and bring our new guest here some Gold Label Johnny Walker”. “Oh, please don’t! That won’t be necessary.” Sawyer’s brother Tom  interjected. “Its no bother”, Mason offered, smiling. Tom chuckled. “I mean Sawyer won’t drink, she’s 4 months pregnant”.