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So, this is awkward…

So much has happened since I last wrote. I moved cities, had a bunch of amazing, kinky, sometimes horrible sex with some amazing, kinky, sometimes horrible people… I made out with a girl in front of my family one time when I was really drunk, effectively coming out to them…but that’s a story for another day. Also, I went on a relationship cleanse that I only almost broke twice (Yay!) I’m back however to report that I have been told more than once in the last few months that I have “Golden Pussy” and this before I made their eyes roll back with my amazing mouth and catastrophic tongue. My oral fixation is working out for once (psychology geek reference).

So, it seems you people aren’t doing as good an oral sex job on these men. They have claimed more than once to not be able to cum from getting head alafu they bust that nut in less time than it takes me to say, “You can’t make that claim before you’ve been in my mouth.” I have had a tonne of fun in the last year making some lucky guys happy but as much as my inner slut would love to, I can’t give all the men in Kenya my amazing blowjob…sad as fuck but true. Here are some of my personal DOs and DON’Ts on how to curl your man’s toes and have him drool and speak in tongues while you well, tongue his balls.


  1. Make him give you an orgasm or two (or ten) first: Yes, this may seem selfish and counter-intuitive but believe me, your oral skills get 10 times sharper when you’re sated and eager to reward him for good behavior. Giving a selfish man head will inadvertently involve teeth as Pavlovian punishment, you won’t be able to resist killing his vibe if he insists on putting his sweaty crotch 2 cm away from your nose before dulling your senses with a mind blowing orgasm. 69 works too…
  2. Tell him how much you love his dick: Let’s be honest, like vaginas, penises are beautiful monsters. Their beauty lies on the absurd amounts of pleasure they provide and we absolutely adore their aesthetic because of all the nerve endings they have been blessed with. Only the most secure and sexually liberated of us love how our genitalia look and will proudly present them to a partner without questioning their lack of disgust at our dripping mess, especially at arousal. It’ almost always a bit of a shock that your partner can actually stand to look at your privates, let alone put it in their mouth. You hope against all hope that they will though, even if it’s only out of a sense of obligation. Beggars can’t be choosers. So, when your partner goes out of their way, not just to reassure you but to tell you exactly how much they want to eat you up, it’s an incredible turn on. Tell your partner how gorgeous his dick is and how you can’t wait to taste him. Stroke that ego before you start on the dick.
  3. Know the anatomy:  Women have spent the last 5 decades on this planet bemoaning the fact that men do not know our abdominal anatomy as well as they should. The clitoris and Gspot have become an important part of education on a young adult’s journey to manhood. You must know where to touch and lick your woman to an orgasm or you are politely dubbed a Fuckboy…wait, even Fuckboys give killer orgasms, it’s why women get trapped. I digress…ok. Girls, study that diagram carefully, it is important you know the parts otherwise the rest of the tutorial will be useless. Cool?
  4. Use lots of saliva: I cannot stress this enough. Saliva is your friend, friction is not. One way to produce copious, obsene, insane amounts is to purposefully gag on the dick i.e. let it go much further down your throat than is comfortable till your gag reflex kicks in and you have to stop or you’ll vomit. For whatever medical reasons this stimulates your salivary glands and they go into hyperdrive, producing enough lubricant to power several anal sessions.
  5. Suck on his ballsDON’T pop them into your mouth like juicy marbles. You’re not trying to kill the man. Be gentle, keep your teeth out of it. Roll the tender jewels around your warm, wet mouth using your tongue as you stroke his well lubricated shaft focusing your fingers on the uber sensitive frenulum. Gurgle and hum while his balls are in your mouth. The vibrations feel good (expert level things…)
  6. Swirl your tongue around the head of his cock: It’s the most sensitive area and responds well to this loving attention. Now here’s a little secret that many people don’t know and that I alluded to earlier. The frenulum, that little V shape under his cock head, is mucho sensitive. If you use your tongue to play with it, you’ll be doing your good deed for the day. Likewise his meatus. Flick your tongue along the tip of his penis to get this area. The head of his penis is like your clit. Suck on it, swirl your tongue around it, bob your head up and down with your lips over his head, lick all the areas I just mentioned and you’ll have him gasping for air. Another winner: while you’re sucking and licking his cock head, circle your fingers in an ‘OK’ motion around just the base of his cock. Then, clamping tightly, ‘jerk him off’ in a mini motion of no more than an inch or so. It won’t make him cum, but it’s exquisite.
  7. Give his perineum and anus some sugar: This requires some explanation. If you think that a guy who likes his anus played with or even penetrated is gay or would like to be, you are dead wrong (there are no gay acts only gay people). A man’s anus and surrounding areas are rich with nerve endings. Perhaps, it has been speculated, even more so than a woman’s, and nobody faults her for enjoying anal sex – hell no. When you are licking his balls, if you go down a little further, licking his perineum, the ‘taint’ area between his balls and anus, you’ll be rewarded with lots of moans, groans and heavy breathing. I particularly like applying pressure on this point just before he cums, at that point when his dick starts throbbing just before he spurts. It seems to make his climax more intense.Now, and here’s the dicey part. If you insert a well-lubricated finger, preferably a pinkie, just a little bit into his anus just as he’s about to cum – watch out. He may cum like a fire hose from you massaging his prostate this way. Now this is not something I would surprise him with, in case he feels funny about it. But he won’t feel funny if you don’t! Tell him you know it feels good and that’s what you’re trying to do. Let him know you feel comfortable about it, that there’s nothing the two of you should deny yourselves sexually, and he should be just fine. Which, by the way, brings me to another point for men only: Guys, please, give the lady some courtesy – something to be attracted to. If you’ve had a long, hot day at work, or a great, sweaty workout at the gym, take a hot shower. Scrub the day’s crud off your body before you ask her to swallow it, OK? Get clean, look good, smell good, and you’re fighting a winning battle. If you want to do her a real favor, take a scissors and trim off some of the stray hairs around your cock and balls, carefully. I’m not saying shave the area, although it can be a hell of a lot of fun actually.

I’m just suggesting that you can save her a lot of time picking stray hairs out of her teeth or coughing them out of her throat if you remove some first.

  1. Give him head in different positions: this tutorial is already quite long without me having to repeat something I already wrote comprehensively about.Read 8 Moves To Spice Up Your Oral Sex be creative. Do it in a bed, in the bathroom, stuff your head between his thighs while he’s seated watching news on the sofa…do something different, fresh. 
  2. Swallow!!!!!: Don’t be afraid of cum, it won’t kill you. And it’s fucking 2016! Really? If boys will eat the bumhole like groceries just to make us happy, why won’t you get over the fact that you don’t like how it tastes and just give back for once? Swallow because you’re not a selfish cunt that deserves a 10year dryspell. Also, read Swirl, Gargle, Swallow where FacialKnight tells you why he loves it.
  3. Irrono…just felt good to have 10 points. Hmmm….Look him in the eyes: Give the man a little attention and love, build up the passion a little, engage him in creating the most intimate of sexual memories as you talk dirty and try to suck the cum out of his balls. If he doesn’t buy you flowers afterwards, or dinner, or eats you out like you’re his favorite pizza, you didn’t follow my instructions and you need to go through this again and again.

TERMS AND CONDITIONS: Not For Use On Fuckboys.