The Dirt on Fantasies

“What turns you on?” Such a loaded question! The sheer quantity and variety of possible answers to this question is daunting! You can’t ever tell who’s more scared. The person that asked or the person that’s answering. Either way there’s hesitation and the possibility of rejection. The person asking is asking to be trusted and the person answering is unsure of unconditional acceptance. We guard our fantasy lives better than the president’s BMW is. You won’t ever find my, ‘sex with a stranger’ fantasy in Uganda, being sold at half price. You’ll argue that as we’ve become more sexually liberated, it’s become easier to talk about our secret sexual wants. People nowadays spend a quarter of their lives with their mouths on the nasties down under and threesomes have become common place phenomena. Fantasies? What fantasies? You’ll ask. Do people have those anymore with all the crazy sex we’re all having? Well, as with all things, balance must be maintained. The more sexually adventurous we are, the deeper the darkness that’s the pit of sexual depravity becomes. If your dream of having a threeway with Kim K and Kanye is fulfilled you will for some weird reason find yourself craving a little tumble with Flava Flav and T.Pain…at the same damn time! You’re disgusting. The list of socially acceptable fantasies isn’t very long. Men and women share a few: domination/submission, oral sex, threesomes (ffm, mmf), voyeurism ( watching sex, for the vocabularically challenged), anal, exhibitionism (nudes anyone?), role play, taping sex, fetish sex and force fantasies. Those ones have all but been exhausted. They’re so commonplace you can buy a book with instructions on how to ease your partner into it, the pitfalls of said sexual activity and to show you how well researched it is, the advice will most probably work. My thought pattern thus leads me to the conclusion that things are much much nastier in those brains of yours. If you’re comfortable enough to ask your saint of a wife to part her cheeks for you to stick it into exit only chute, then you’re probably neck deep in the ‘2 girls one cup’ zone in that dirty mind of yours. There’s nothing wrong with being nasty when your partner is cool with it. It can be admittedly difficult to bring up your crazy need to put a dildo in her ear, yes. The trick though, would be to ease her into it. Try licking around it a little first. Whisper to her in random places that her earlobe, hanging there, taking in two shiny studs, like a slut, is turning you on. Then stick in your little finger when you’re doing the bedroom jiggy. A fantasy is an idea. Plant the thought and eventually she will want that dildo in there. (Is this why the Maasai have those large holes in their earlobes? If yes, the bigger the hole, the bigger the…right? – Things that keep me up at night) The point must be made though that you cannot ask for some complicated stit if your basic bedroom game is well…shite. How do you expect your partner to take your request seriously if you can’t even kiss her properly? She’s not going to gargle your balls while pulling your 3rd left toe if you can’t make her cum from basic clit play. I’m sorry but you’ve got to get your ABC’s right first lady, if he’s going to bring in his crew for a gang bang. You’re not going to embarrass him with your mediocre, weak tongue, no swallowing, all teeth, head. Get your game straight, give your person a night to remember and next time you make a “special request” it’ll be met with joy and enthusiasm and they might even add a little something of their own that takes your nastiness to new and unprecedented levels.