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So, this is awkward…

So much has happened since I last wrote. I moved cities, had a bunch of amazing, kinky, sometimes horrible sex with some amazing, kinky, sometimes horrible people… I made out with a girl in front of my family one time when I was really drunk, effectively coming out to them…but that’s a story for another day. Also, I went on a relationship cleanse that I only almost broke twice (Yay!) I’m back however to report that I have been told more than once in the last few months that I have “Golden Pussy” and this before I made their eyes roll back with my amazing mouth and catastrophic tongue. My oral fixation is working out for once (psychology geek reference).

So, it seems you people aren’t doing as good an oral sex job on these men. They have claimed more than once to not be able to cum from getting head alafu they bust that nut in less time than it takes me to say, “You can’t make that claim before you’ve been in my mouth.” I have had a tonne of fun in the last year making some lucky guys happy but as much as my inner slut would love to, I can’t give all the men in Kenya my amazing blowjob…sad as fuck but true. Here are some of my personal DOs and DON’Ts on how to curl your man’s toes and have him drool and speak in tongues while you well, tongue his balls.


  1. Make him give you an orgasm or two (or ten) first: Yes, this may seem selfish and counter-intuitive but believe me, your oral skills get 10 times sharper when you’re sated and eager to reward him for good behavior. Giving a selfish man head will inadvertently involve teeth as Pavlovian punishment, you won’t be able to resist killing his vibe if he insists on putting his sweaty crotch 2 cm away from your nose before dulling your senses with a mind blowing orgasm. 69 works too…
  2. Tell him how much you love his dick: Let’s be honest, like vaginas, penises are beautiful monsters. Their beauty lies on the absurd amounts of pleasure they provide and we absolutely adore their aesthetic because of all the nerve endings they have been blessed with. Only the most secure and sexually liberated of us love how our genitalia look and will proudly present them to a partner without questioning their lack of disgust at our dripping mess, especially at arousal. It’ almost always a bit of a shock that your partner can actually stand to look at your privates, let alone put it in their mouth. You hope against all hope that they will though, even if it’s only out of a sense of obligation. Beggars can’t be choosers. So, when your partner goes out of their way, not just to reassure you but to tell you exactly how much they want to eat you up, it’s an incredible turn on. Tell your partner how gorgeous his dick is and how you can’t wait to taste him. Stroke that ego before you start on the dick.
  3. Know the anatomy:  Women have spent the last 5 decades on this planet bemoaning the fact that men do not know our abdominal anatomy as well as they should. The clitoris and Gspot have become an important part of education on a young adult’s journey to manhood. You must know where to touch and lick your woman to an orgasm or you are politely dubbed a Fuckboy…wait, even Fuckboys give killer orgasms, it’s why women get trapped. I digress…ok. Girls, study that diagram carefully, it is important you know the parts otherwise the rest of the tutorial will be useless. Cool?
  4. Use lots of saliva: I cannot stress this enough. Saliva is your friend, friction is not. One way to produce copious, obsene, insane amounts is to purposefully gag on the dick i.e. let it go much further down your throat than is comfortable till your gag reflex kicks in and you have to stop or you’ll vomit. For whatever medical reasons this stimulates your salivary glands and they go into hyperdrive, producing enough lubricant to power several anal sessions.
  5. Suck on his ballsDON’T pop them into your mouth like juicy marbles. You’re not trying to kill the man. Be gentle, keep your teeth out of it. Roll the tender jewels around your warm, wet mouth using your tongue as you stroke his well lubricated shaft focusing your fingers on the uber sensitive frenulum. Gurgle and hum while his balls are in your mouth. The vibrations feel good (expert level things…)
  6. Swirl your tongue around the head of his cock: It’s the most sensitive area and responds well to this loving attention. Now here’s a little secret that many people don’t know and that I alluded to earlier. The frenulum, that little V shape under his cock head, is mucho sensitive. If you use your tongue to play with it, you’ll be doing your good deed for the day. Likewise his meatus. Flick your tongue along the tip of his penis to get this area. The head of his penis is like your clit. Suck on it, swirl your tongue around it, bob your head up and down with your lips over his head, lick all the areas I just mentioned and you’ll have him gasping for air. Another winner: while you’re sucking and licking his cock head, circle your fingers in an ‘OK’ motion around just the base of his cock. Then, clamping tightly, ‘jerk him off’ in a mini motion of no more than an inch or so. It won’t make him cum, but it’s exquisite.
  7. Give his perineum and anus some sugar: This requires some explanation. If you think that a guy who likes his anus played with or even penetrated is gay or would like to be, you are dead wrong (there are no gay acts only gay people). A man’s anus and surrounding areas are rich with nerve endings. Perhaps, it has been speculated, even more so than a woman’s, and nobody faults her for enjoying anal sex – hell no. When you are licking his balls, if you go down a little further, licking his perineum, the ‘taint’ area between his balls and anus, you’ll be rewarded with lots of moans, groans and heavy breathing. I particularly like applying pressure on this point just before he cums, at that point when his dick starts throbbing just before he spurts. It seems to make his climax more intense.Now, and here’s the dicey part. If you insert a well-lubricated finger, preferably a pinkie, just a little bit into his anus just as he’s about to cum – watch out. He may cum like a fire hose from you massaging his prostate this way. Now this is not something I would surprise him with, in case he feels funny about it. But he won’t feel funny if you don’t! Tell him you know it feels good and that’s what you’re trying to do. Let him know you feel comfortable about it, that there’s nothing the two of you should deny yourselves sexually, and he should be just fine. Which, by the way, brings me to another point for men only: Guys, please, give the lady some courtesy – something to be attracted to. If you’ve had a long, hot day at work, or a great, sweaty workout at the gym, take a hot shower. Scrub the day’s crud off your body before you ask her to swallow it, OK? Get clean, look good, smell good, and you’re fighting a winning battle. If you want to do her a real favor, take a scissors and trim off some of the stray hairs around your cock and balls, carefully. I’m not saying shave the area, although it can be a hell of a lot of fun actually.

I’m just suggesting that you can save her a lot of time picking stray hairs out of her teeth or coughing them out of her throat if you remove some first.

  1. Give him head in different positions: this tutorial is already quite long without me having to repeat something I already wrote comprehensively about.Read 8 Moves To Spice Up Your Oral Sex be creative. Do it in a bed, in the bathroom, stuff your head between his thighs while he’s seated watching news on the sofa…do something different, fresh. 
  2. Swallow!!!!!: Don’t be afraid of cum, it won’t kill you. And it’s fucking 2016! Really? If boys will eat the bumhole like groceries just to make us happy, why won’t you get over the fact that you don’t like how it tastes and just give back for once? Swallow because you’re not a selfish cunt that deserves a 10year dryspell. Also, read Swirl, Gargle, Swallow where FacialKnight tells you why he loves it.
  3. Irrono…just felt good to have 10 points. Hmmm….Look him in the eyes: Give the man a little attention and love, build up the passion a little, engage him in creating the most intimate of sexual memories as you talk dirty and try to suck the cum out of his balls. If he doesn’t buy you flowers afterwards, or dinner, or eats you out like you’re his favorite pizza, you didn’t follow my instructions and you need to go through this again and again.

TERMS AND CONDITIONS: Not For Use On Fuckboys.



Minx, Real Life Story
I can’t really remember my very very first sexual experience with a girl. I can’t remember my first sexual experience period. Just snippets of giggling in dark places as a kid, show me yours I’ll show you mine manenos. I do remember feelings of shame whenever I was caught with a girl. I must have been caught with boys too, but there’s zero guilt associated with those, so of course they didn’t make a mark, and I barely remember those experiences.

The first time I thought, ‘Shit, I might be gay,’ I was 17 and loooooving the feel of some light skin Kiuk girl’s boobs. We’d spent the day bonding AF! I only realized she’d been hitting on me when I woke up, it was a sleepover, and she was trying to get her hands under  my jumper to grab and my nipples. Sigh…

Thing is, I couldn’t be gay. I was into boys. Like really  into boys. So, no I wasn’t gay. And bi is only a thing girls are in campus, right? To impress boys… I decided I would leave all my experimentation to Uni, when it would be considered normal to have sex with girls.

Campus came round and it turned out, it wasn’t really acceptable there either. The shaming still happened, albeit in the form of rumors of who’d been expelled or suspended in high school for being gay. These ones were still shunned in the grown up world. I found myself grateful I’d had a firm ‘no sex in school’ policy (adopted while in a mixed school) that had saved me from this unique form of slut shaming.

I was already considered a whore by those who purported to know me, and the social consequences were damning, but homophobic shaming was on a whole other level that I was sure I didn’t want to take part in. Not to say that I didn’t do my fair share of drunk make out sessions with girls, for the male gaze of course.

The first time I actually had sex with a girl, it was supposed to be a threesome. I hadn’t even considered it. She was gorgeous, skinny (I still had hang ups about being fat dem days), totally out of my league. She was hitting on my friend, they were going to have sex, he knew I was a freak and when the sly opportunist asked if she was game for a threesome and she said an enthusiastic yes, I just went along with it. Woe unto him. 

I knew this was something different immediately we started making out. His exclusion was palpable. Aliambiwa akae kando, then when he went out for a smoke she locked the door behind him. Ha! We fucked for hours!!!! So good. Fuck!

I’d used the word ‘bisexual’ to describe myself before, but it didn’t ring true until that experience. I knew I didn’t want to stop, but I didn’t know where to go next.


Suckers! This is actually an article on how to succeed in life…suck seed, hihihi.

Anyway, back to the booty. Now, all my anal experience upto let’s say, 2015…involved the wrong kind of lube, lotion. There was also this running joke about people who carry baby oil in their handbags… Suffice to say, all my attempts were tragic! I kept tearing and nothing was going in! Fuck! So what was I doing wrong?

Here are all my tips, on how to put a phallic object through one’s anal sphincter successfully. 

1. Lot of The Right Kind of Lube
It has to be water based. Has to be! We cannot continue putting petroleum based products inside delicate tissue membrane and expect to come…cum through it without major tearing, a yeast infection and bacterial sepsis! Please, listen. This is crucial, use lots and lots of water based lube. How should it be used?

2. Prepare Your Bumhole
Now, I’m not here to tell you to wash your booty. This is not a hygiene blog and some of you swing in the most disgusting directions, whew!  This is to tell you to start by putting small phallic objects in there first before your ambitious libido goes straight to the mandingo in your bed. Acclimate your sphincter by first inserting well lubed fingers, one after the other until you’re comfortable with the entire enterprise. Go slowly, si ati ni lazima, you probably have other perfectly functional holes that can be used in the meantime while you teach yourself to enjoy having something moving in and out your bum. 

Preparation also involves getting lube inside your anus. You need it in there, even if you’ve already emptied half a tube of KY onto the penis/dildo, believe me! The thing is super tight, which is why it’s so sexy in the first place, a lot of that lube will be squeezed off of the penis on entry. Itaachwa nje yaani. Get some inside you!

3. Have an Orgasm
If it’s still hella uncomfortable, or even painful, your brain might be getting in the way. You’ve been told it should be painful so your body’s automatic response is to clench. I could tell you, just relax…but that’s stupid. You can body hack by getting an orgasm right before you start trying to penetrate your behind. Orgasmic contractions are very involuntary and so is the post orgasmic relaxation. You’ll be surprised how easily things will slide into your anus once you’re in that orgasmic haze, caring about nothing, remembering zero misconceptions about how painful sexual practices religion forbids conveniently are.

4. Keep it A  Marathon
You don’t have to get it right the first time. You have your butthole with you forever, nah? If a mandingo isn’t going in, try it with someone smaller. Work your way up. Pole pole ndio mwendo.

If you successfully get the head in, please go slowly, si ati you ram it in and go full hardcore on a sphincter! YOU MONSTER! Keep the movements slow until the person under you says either of those magic words “Harder!” “Faster!”

You’ve been edumacated. Go forth and conquer an anus.

The backlash from starting this website…sirizetu, was *whew* tremendous. Did it stop my fucking? Fuck no! Did it stop me writing about all the penis? Yes! And who lost? All of us. But especially me. How?

I used this platform to interrogate a lot of my sexuality as an early adult, as well as to explore what I wanted it to grow into. Writing about all the dick I got and what I wanted to keep doing with it allowed me to see past the veil of shame that patriarchy had so bestowed upon me by virtue of gender, at birth. I saw past it, in my retelling of how things went down, right upto the point it occurred to me that yes, that sexual encounter was rape, that other one was rape too, so was that one and the other one too.

Others saw it to, mostly perpetrators. People around me who had known of these encounters and ‘helped’ me bury the discomfort around them under jokes and witty anecdotes and yes, shame! Victim blaming. It took ages to figure out why so many of my close friends suddenly wanted to ‘save’ me from my sex blog.

Like…wasn’t it good writing? The stats were bomb! I was getting offered writing jobs. What was so damn wrong with it that the social consequences were so harsh. Why was I losing longterm friendships to a sex blog?! I stopped writing.

And then I stopped interrogating my sexual encounters. I talked about the blog, but I stopped discussing the dick. This led straight down the path it was meant to. I became a respectable lil queen. I got stable, non sex related, writing work, someone asked me to marry them, hello more respectability…It was all good till it hit me on my birthday that I was majorly depressed.

My life looked nothing like I wanted it to. My ambitions seemed even further out of reach than they were when I was homeless in Nairobi. I admitted for the first time, under the influence of a lot of red wine, in tears, to myself and my then fiance, that I was a rape victim. #MeToo. Then I proceeded to sleep on the couch because sucker was a victim blaming pig.

Months later, I was out of an admittedly abusive relationship and the rebuilding started afresh in 2017. There was SO MUCH damage! So fucking much! Most of it financial. All the infrastructure I’d put in place had been systematically destroyed by people I had thought were well meaning friends, even while the blog was still running they were actively shutting it down at every turn. Fuck them.

We’re back baby!

Minx, Secrets
The silkiness of the sheets against my naked bum, softly caressing, rubbing against my warm skin. The scent of the lavender candles, their aroma mixed with a bland smokiness from the wick as it burns turning into ash that settles black against the purple scented wax, dripping, settling and hardening on the beautiful brass holders in my hotel room. 30 purple candles provide the only light, an orange glow, casting warm shadows, laying gently and illuminating everything in a decidedly sensual manner. I could see it, a memory in my mind’s eye, as I lay there, eyes shut, dark blindfold cast over my eyes, silently hoping that the crackling heat I could hear wasn’t the flames jumping from candles to curtains. It’d be a bloody shame to die that way, CAUGHT IN THE FLAMES OF PASSION, the headline would read. Her story as comical as it was tragic. A woman laying in bed, naked and throbbing, waiting, anticipating, then dead, all because the rules said she couldn’t open her eyes for anything. Not even fire! Where was he? Was he there already? Had she missed his arrival as she was contemplating death by fire? Was he watching as she squeezed her trembling thighs trying to calm the throbbing button that was begging for release. No, she couldn’t have missed him, not with her other senses sharpened acutely by the lack of her site. He wasn’t here yet. Would he come? Was he even a he?!

Cheating, Minx
I have a married friend. Just one. Yes, we’re just friends… I have this rule. An anti-married men rule. It’s not because I’m particularly moral, we all know I’m not. (If I was hung on a tree I’d be a Christmas whorenament) My rule is as a protection. Everyone knows that married men are the biggest heart breakers! 80% of my girlfriends are dating or have dated married men. I realized this a few months ago and it’s led to my questioning thoroughly my friend picking techniques. Am I attracted to people that have no respect for the institution of marriage? We all know I don’t believe in cultural or governmental ties to a person. Was it birds of a feather or nah? Then I realized this, ‘good girls’ are also magically drawn to the taken guy. The allure of a commitment phillic guy is universal. We all want this ‘supposedly’ loving and responsible guy for ourselves. In this age of guys picking PlayStation 4, Xbox, iPhones, Subarus and hipster events over their rachet begotten offspring, who could blame us? Responsible men are a black grain in an ocean of white sand. I thought I’d found the answer for sure. That we’re just deprived of good men and we must inevitably fight in the ulimate competition, for the few good ones! Whomever cannot keep her ‘prize’ happy must suffer the consequences of losing him to a more worthy opponent. All’s fair in love and war. This was war. (cue in evil laughter) Hahaha! But…but….but… There was a thought hanging on for dear life at the edge of my consciousness. My mind was made up, I had my answer – women are predatorial beasts fighting for the only chunk of good meat amongst tonnes of rotten flesh… – but there was this idea that refused to let go. A troubling question that sent me digging. What of those girls that got lured into these traps without ever knowing of his marital status? They didn’t know of his responsible nature or his propensity for commitment, so why were these girls enough in number to warrant a thought into different theory? Well, my research showed me the light! Girls. IT IS NOT YOUR FAULT!!! You are not the sluts in this thing! Your judgement isn’t flawed! Our generation isn’t just a bad one. WOMAN! You are not conditioned to be a second wife! MAN. Your kind isn’t all bad with a few genetically modified good specimen. Nah…you’re just evil, using a natural law of nature against the females of our species. Once a man is hitched, that faint smell of desperation that hung on him during his bachelor days disappears. He’s got regular pussy, a constant companion, someone required by government and society to love him even when it’s near damn impossible for even his mother to. When his balls start aching for offspring he’s got a willing womb at his disposal, ready and willing to bear him heirs to his beaten down jalopy. Ah! The wonder that is marriage. The married man does not need you hussies. He’s got his beloved building a home to go back home to. He may not need you but this doesn’t mean he doesn’t want you. For the first time in his life women are flocking towards him, he doesn’t know why (I do) but he’s not wasting the opportunity to prove to himself and his boys that he’s still a major stud. He isn’t. So what’s happening? He is simply no longer desperate. Women love this! Men are always such sniveling pigs, coming after every skirt with the drool hanging precariously from their lower lips, threatening to land on our bodacious backsides with a shake of their heads. The taken man does none of this disgusting drooling after women. His calm and confident demeanor often has women doing the chasing after him. He has that bad boy ‘I got bitches’ aura. We can’t resist it. We are all attracted to the taken man. I won’t deny it and you shouldn’t either. For the majority of women, finding out that he’s someone else’s immediately turns the attraction off. He becomes disgusting to think about. Others don’t have that luxury of an off switch though…either they do not have it, and lucky are they to feel no guilt after the inevitable married man freaky dicky happens OR they weren’t given the chance to use the off switch at all! We all know married men do not like to admit they’re unavailable. It’s a cruelty I tell you! To deny a poor woman the chance to tell you no, and leave her the guilty mess that’s an involuntary home wrecker! Tsk tsk! Stop doing this btw. You are being Hitler on small scale. It’s not nice to ruin a woman’s psyche for the purpose of ego building. If you must have an affair, do so with a willing female. If there are none then sex workers exist for just this purpose. Tafuta langa akugawie. It’s not that hard to find a willing fuck aye. Here’s a good new year’s resolution for all our readers to follow, BE A BETTER PERSON Start with telling babes you’re taken you incorrigible flirt!

Minx, Twitter Story
https://twitter.com/SiriZetu/status/531462995499843584 https://twitter.com/SiriZetu/status/531463468302745600 https://twitter.com/SiriZetu/status/531464214012235776 https://twitter.com/SiriZetu/status/531464603679866882 https://twitter.com/SiriZetu/status/531464938968334336 https://twitter.com/SiriZetu/status/531465381362540545 https://twitter.com/SiriZetu/status/531465711118712832 https://twitter.com/SiriZetu/status/531466185062490112 https://twitter.com/SiriZetu/status/531466514403442688 https://twitter.com/SiriZetu/status/531467366782476288 https://twitter.com/SiriZetu/status/531467737827409920 https://twitter.com/SiriZetu/status/531468140941950976 https://twitter.com/SiriZetu/status/531468471834787840 https://twitter.com/SiriZetu/status/531468773275226112 https://twitter.com/SiriZetu/status/531472292845727744 https://twitter.com/SiriZetu/status/531472652184338433 https://twitter.com/SiriZetu/status/531473094947651585 https://twitter.com/SiriZetu/status/531473387693301760 https://twitter.com/SiriZetu/status/531473834202128384 https://twitter.com/SiriZetu/status/531474401469165568 https://twitter.com/SiriZetu/status/531474822015225856 https://twitter.com/SiriZetu/status/531475292263809025 https://twitter.com/SiriZetu/status/531475604940808192 https://twitter.com/SiriZetu/status/531476152259727360 https://twitter.com/SiriZetu/status/531476617424818176 https://twitter.com/SiriZetu/status/531476953237569537 https://twitter.com/SiriZetu/status/531477314434248704 https://twitter.com/SiriZetu/status/531477644035235841 https://twitter.com/SiriZetu/status/531477810746232833 https://twitter.com/SiriZetu/status/531478581927747585 https://twitter.com/SiriZetu/status/531479385363464193 https://twitter.com/Swaggattraktion/status/531479975946616833 https://twitter.com/SiriZetu/status/531480222986932224 https://twitter.com/SiriZetu/status/531480545289859072 https://twitter.com/Swaggattraktion/status/531480649925132288 https://twitter.com/SiriZetu/status/531481382254809088 https://twitter.com/SiriZetu/status/531481732399505408 https://twitter.com/SiriZetu/status/531482161543925762 https://twitter.com/SiriZetu/status/531482623399698432 https://twitter.com/SiriZetu/status/531483149940060160 https://twitter.com/SiriZetu/status/531483559778082816

I have been told that I fap too much by concerned friends. No, they didn’t do it intervention-style, but they would have if they knew each other no doubt. Aye, alcoholics out there, the best way to avoid an intervention is if your friends and family never meet each other. Hii mambo ya introductions muachie the sane, drug free, non addiction prone members of our society. So, back to my nether activities. Well, for those who haven’t been paying attention, I only learned the joys of diddling my nubbin in a few months ago. Don’t get me wrong, I already knew what an orgasm was, and not just from the Mills And Boon stories of my youth. No, a flesh and very hot red blooded male from my past decided to ruin sex with lesser mortals for me about two years ago. His extensive foreplay, lots of vodka and not so substantial equipment, made me see stars. I had the universe behind my eyelids for what felt like a fleeting second but he says I was down for almost a minute, shaking and making sounds he describes as a cross between that laughter that comes from deep within the stomach, and the crying of paid Luo mourners. I couldn’t even be embarrassed. I’d just experienced heaven and I was obsessed with recreating that sensation. Years later, I have given up on the male species. None can recreate that feeling but he who induced it that first time… Yes, I did it with that guy again and no, he didn’t make me cum. With that evidence in hand, I concluded that Eros possessed him that day. The charm, the care, the absolute romanticism of that day, no, it could not be the work of a human. Only a god can make you see heaven. Logic people! Logic! So, until Eros possessed some man out there and ravages me once more, heaven was barred to me. I became celibate. This year, Aphrodite, my Minx’s personal god, felt it good that I learn to pleasure myself. And so it became. My clit for some reason gained about a billion nerve endings and man was I grateful!!! One random day reading through Literotica and feeling myself up without expectation I experienced an intense heat in the pit of my stomach that made me moan like an animal! I was shocked! I wanted more. So I did it again, that light touch across my extremely engorged clit that made colours spin and my legs tremble. A few more and my world shattered. It was magic! Well, months later and I now know that there’s a few types of orgasms out there. There’s the little ones where your pussy tingles and the sensation travels as far as your knees. There’s the medium ones that cause you to tremble all over a little bit and last for about 10 seconds (yes, I have the discipline to time them, for science, for you!) And there the huge ones! These are the kind that make your legs weak and if you’re unfortunate enough to experience them while standing, well, you’ll be very acquainted with the floor when you’re done writhing around in absolute wanton pleasure. One big one actually made me cry…a little. It was one tear! I had a mini black out and when I came to my cheek was wet. It was surprising but that’s one of the best I’ve ever had. I’ve squirted FYI, it was once, at the beginning of my experimentation, and I had done an insane amount of research over the internet on how to make myself do it. 90% of the blogs were written by men: How To Make Yourself Squirt by Some Man. smh. I’d totally get it if the guy was telling other men how to make their woman squirt but noooo, he’s of the balls decides to educate women on their bodies. It’s like a woman writing: Scrotun Care; A Complete Guide On How To Scratching Your Balls. Absolute nonsense! One lady wrote an awesome guide on squirting and as soon as I duplicate my first result I’ll definitely give you the lowdown on that. My fapping adventures continue though. I can’t stop now! I’m basically a teenage boy right now. My 15 year old ‘penis’ won’t let me stop touching it. Besides, Aphrodite and Minx have given me the gift of orgasm, it may not be heaven but it would be rude to throw it back in their faces and stop fapping. So, I’ll keep diddling my kambosho thank you very much! Feel free to call me an addict. All I am is a girl in love with her pussy.

[soundcloud url=”https://api.soundcloud.com/tracks/175770754″ params=”color=ff5500&auto_play=false&hide_related=false&show_comments=true&show_user=true&show_reposts=false” width=”100%” height=”166″ iframe=”true” /] Transcription Ati riri, Wairimu, di kuriganerwo ni gukuhe ka-story. Ka-story gaka, ri, kwina kairitu ga Kiambu, na kou Ndumberi aga…. Ndumberi? Haya, agatwira atiriri, “Umenye athuri a guku… Muthuri mutumia ora, atigagwo agikoma na airitu a wira. Akamwekaga na guku thutha. Mwagia ndugu renge re, niagakuheaga bia.” Nie ta kuria da re, muthuri niathakaga na nie na nindetigagira nimoragaga mundu nie ngiura. Nu nie kura ndathire, ndakorire mutumia aninetee miaka ikumi kou. Ngimuria atiriri, “U-survive-aga atia? Na uninaga mieri itatu guku, ukainuka. U-survive-aga atia?” Akimwira, “Reke gwire, nie nderorera ma-porno makwa ndaigwa uria ndiraigwa re, nyambataga iguru. Ndambata iguru re, ngathie ngoya kukuba.” Ndioe kana niuramenya kukaba, kana mametaga shushuba (cucumber), ma-green-i maraihu matinangagia makaria sarata (salad) na mo. E sarata iitagwo kiria… nayo tumiitaga kachumbari… Ma-green-i maraihu ona Kenya niukiri. Ati agathie akamiruta fridge akameiga rumu, agakora niithirire heho. Akamenyorokia maguuuta, akaigera uriri. Agacaria kinyamu keigana kinyamu giake. Ati Wairumu akiika akiika akiika akiika, nginya akirikiria. Okoro tiugu, hindi ekoharukia kara, akiika akiika akiika, akagia na urigari fiu, riria mukio ukiiti fiu, ati aiguaga wega, akaigua relaxed, , agakoma. Riu ngimuria ati, “We niugeretie?” Akinjiira, “Ni kuuria?! Nie nderoreire porno ngiukia, ngiika uria anjiirire. Nuu uria ndaigwire, mani, ndirendaigwa!” Atuheaga story na Muikaba ungi. Ni ngiuria, “Ngai, ka andu magurukire?” “Ta njiira, thena ni utumaga uikie mageriaini, mani. Nuu ni hau weiguaga mukio woka ukaigwa ta ekuguruka.” Nuu nie kai maundu mangi ndiramaigwira guku, umenye thena ni muru. Ati gugiuka mutumia ungi agitwira, “Kou murethiaga mugethamba na mai mahiu tundu ndioe kana niogotofora miaka iiri tundu kou kae gutakiri gathee, eeh, nuu ukigoereire ndugu gutire. Ni maisha maku wee wiki. Nie ona kafa kundu free tundu ni mathina mathiri.” Translation to: Sheng/ Swahili Sasa, Wairimu, karibu ni sahau kukupea ka-story. Haka ka-story, haka… kuna dame wa Kiambu, na huko Ndumberi sijui… Ndumberi? Haya, akatu-show, “Ujue wanaume huku… Mwanaume wife akitoka, anaachangwa akitomba ma-dame wa job. Anamtomba huku nyuma. Tukishakua mabeshte, nitakupeanga dough.” Ni kama kule nilikuwanga, mwanaume alikuwa anachezanga na mimi na mi nikaogopa wanauanga watu nikatoroka. Lakini kuna kwenye nilienda, nikapata dame amemaliza miaka kumi huko. Nikamuuliza aje, “Una-survive-ingi aje? Na unamalizanga miezi tatu huku, unaenda home. Una-survive-ingi aje?”Akamwambia, “Wacha niku-show, mi nikijionea porno zangu naskia vile huwa naskia, sasa, napandanga juu. Nikipanda juu sasa, naenda nachukua cucumber.” Sijui kama unajua cucumber, ama sijui wanaziitanga aje, hizi za green ndefu wanakatanga wanaweka kwa salad. Hii salad inaitwanga nini… tunaitanga kachumbari… Hizi za green ndefu hata huku Kenya ziko. Ati anaitoa fridge anaiweka kwa room, anakuta imeisha baridi. Anainyoosha na mafuta, anaingia bed. Anatafuta kitu inatoshana na samo yake. Ati Wairimu anaji-do anaji-do anaji-do, anapata joto kabisa, saa zile cum imekuja kabisa, ati anaskia vizuri, anaskia ako relaxed, ana-doze. Saa nikamuuliza aje, “We umejaribu?” Akaniambia, “Kwani unauliza?! Mi nilijionea porno nika-cum, nikafanya vile alini-show. Lakini vile niliskia, man, sijawahiskia!” Alitupea hiyo story na Mkamba fulani. Mi nikauliza, “Kwani watu walitupa mbao?” “Hebu niambie, shida zinafanyanga watu waingie kwa mateso, man. Lakini ni hapo mtu husikia cum inakuja unaskia ni ka utachizi.” Lakini mi kuna vitu nilikuja kusikilia huku, ujue shida ni mbaya. Sasa kukakuja dame mwingine akatu-show, “Huko mutanendanga kuoga na maji moto juu sijiu kama nitatoboa miaka mbili juu huko hakuna ka-mwanaume, labda uangukie ka-boy na hakuna. Ni maisha yako wewe peke yako. Mimi afadhali place free juu ni mashida tupu.”

Transcription Reke gwire, my dear, arume matiendaga mundu wa kanitha, urehage ukanitha nginya uriri. Muthuri arenda gukugarura, arenda umuigire itina wega, na we urehage ukanitha waku hau ati “Hutia kahora”. Riu “hutia kahora” ni kuuga atia? Kai atare ukaiga maguru mothe at ease, ukamunengera kiria arenda nginya mundu ucio akonaga ta wena ngoma, e nginya kumuinirira ukamuiniria piu! Ui ta, nkt… Wee ni kii uruiga wee… Noo nyende ni direrehe mundu wakwa ukorwo wee hau wee onere gwiko ni kuuga atia. Ni ukahe mundurume nginya akiiciiria kana ni anaheo githemba kiu, riu akoona “Hapana!”, na gutire gwa kinya muthenya angitaganirio maguru githemba giki, na tuu gutagania maguru. Ni ukarekaga nginya akahutia akaigua “Yes, ee theinie”, na ti ithero ri huu, ni wera wee huu. Reke giikwire, ukanitha dwendagwo uriri. Tiga kurehaga ukanitha uriri na meciria maingi uriri na stress uriri, ni kio urathie ukahoria. Wa maanisha ni guthie ku-meet mundurume, thie u-meet mundurume na ngoro yaku yothe na utwite itua na meciiria maku mo? Mothe! No bure wakuua stress ciaku ciothe utware uriri, Ma Ngai, gutire hindi uka-enjoy maisha. No reke ngiguteithie, my dear, arume twena o thaa ici marenda mundu uramakenia. Ungekorwo ndungehota gukenia muthuri-gwo thaa ici, ona nieguthecaana na thie kundu kungi. Nie muthuri wakwa anjeraga live, “Kui, si ati sijawahi jaribu wanawake huko nje. No ngeragia ngaremwo.” Ati mundu muka ni athiaga akamurutira thuruari oguo, arora keino oguo, akarekania na kio. Bwana yangu hanifichangi chochote. Anjiraga, “Kui mimi najaribingi ku-date wanawake huko nje nikijaribu hata kuwatoa suruari hivi, inakuwa ngumu. Ndingehota.” Coz urathie… Anjeraga… Kama siku ingine alikuwa ananiambia, “Kui nitakuambia kitu na usione ubaya…” Ati athie, muiritu amuthumburete muno agithie gwake. Ati arutire muiritu ucio thuruari, athie gukoma nake oguo, ageririe kuinirira akiigwa muti niwaheha, tundu una muiritu daregariora, amuigerie uguo akee kana anoga atige, nginya akirigwo ati fata wa muiritu ucio agitiida akimuuma thutha an ndari na wira aramuteithia ni wa kii? In fact, onandacokire kwa muiritu ucio renge. Na ilim-take time kuniambia hiyo story. Mpaka aliniambia… Aliniambia, Gai, Kui, tiga gucooka kunjekaga madharau tundu ni utumaga nyingere magereinio mange nditendete.” Gimwera, “Kindu gi fata no ndukandehere murimu.” Muthee wakwa, una wona tukehetania, ni mugima munu. Akinjiira, “gai, ni remwe…” Ni nie ndamwekete madharau ngimwigataga live an nindaninire mweri mugima ditegokoma nake. Reke gekwire, arume ni mathiaga nja, no reke gekwire, ukuro niwigaga muthee wako uria kwa kwagiriere, umuheaga itina riki, ona angithie eeke malaya fifty, akili ciake irihoraga oo wee. Ona athie akore malaya kana mitego ihana atia, akili yake… Muthee wakwa nginya ahureire thaa mugwanja, “Kui, ni ma ngeretie gukoma ngaremwo.” Ndiramwera, “Ndukahota gukoma tundu ni uramenya ndi kuraihu. Reria nyuma hau hakuhe, urekaga ciana madharau.” Tundu, nie tuhetanagia gwika ciana madharau, akarega kuhe ciana indu iria irenda. Nie una ti nie muno endete muno, ni ciana. Reu ni urona reu ndungehota guikara hau werorere ciana ikiria thena, ni huu tuhetanageria nake. Noo, reke gekwire my dear, maisha mendaga mundu active, atwiki active maundoini mo? Mothe ni uku-enjoy life. Translation to: Kiswahili / Sheng’ Wacha sasa nikuambie, my dear, wanaume hawatakangi mtu wa kanisa, ati ulete ukanisa hadi kwa kitanda. Mwanaume anataka kukugeuza, anataka umwekee matako vizuri, na wewe unaleta ukanisa wako ati “Nishike pole pole”. “Nishike pole pole” ndio kusema nini? Si ni uweke miguu yote at ease, unampatia kile anataka mpaka huyo mtu anaona ni kama unakuwanga na wazimu, unamsugua unamsugua kabisa. Wee ni kama, nkt, wee ni nini unasema wewe… Naeza taka nilete mtu wangu ukuwe hapa uone kudinya ni kusema nini. Ni unapatia mwanaume mpaka anashindwa kama amewahi pewa hivyo tena, mpaka anasema “Hapana!”, na hakutawahi fika siku atawahi panuliwa miguu hivyo. Ni unamwacha ashike mpaka anasema, “Yes, iko ndani!”, na sio jokes ziko hapa, ni kazi iko hapa. Wacha nikuambie, ukanisa haupendangwi kitandani. Wachanga kuleta ukanisa na mafikira minig na stress kwa kitanda, ndio unaenda unazima. Ukiamua ni kuenda kupea mwanaume, ni upee mwanaume na roho yako yote na fikira zako zo? Zote! Bure, ukibeba stress zako zote upeleke kwa bed, aki ya Mungu hakuna siku utawahi-enjoy maisha. Lakini, wacha sasa nikusaidie, my dear, wale wanaume tuko nao saa hii wanataka dame atawafurahisha. Kama huwezi furahisha bwana yako saa hii, atakutomba na aende kwingine. Mimi bwana yangu ananiambianga live, Kui, si ati sijawahi jaribu wanawake huko nje Lakini, mi hujaribu ninashindwa.” Ati dame anaendanga anamtoa suruari hivi, anaona senye hivei, anamalizana nayo. Bwana yangu hanifichangi chochote. Ananiambianga, ui mimi najaribingi ku-date wanawake huko nje nikijaribu hata kuwatoa suruari hivi, inakuwa ngumu. Siwezi.” Coz unaenda… Ananiambianga… Kama siku ingine alikuwa ananiambia, “Kui nitakuambia kitu na usione ubaya…” Ati alienda, kuna dame alikuwa anamsumbua sana akaenda kwake. Ati alitoa huyo dame suruari, akiishia kumtomba hivi, akajaribu kuamsha, mti ikakuwa baridi, juu huyo dame hakuwa anajipundua, ati anajigeuza hivi anampea akae na akichoka aache, mpaka akashindwa haja ya huyo dame kushinda akimfuata na hana game inamsaidia ni ya nini? In fact, hata hakuwahi rudi kwa huyo dame tena. Na ilim-take time kuniambia hiyo story. Mpaka aliniambia… Aliniambia, Gai, Kui, wachanga kunifanya madharau juu unafanyanga niingie kwa mashida sitaki.” Nikam-show, “Kitu ni bora usiniletee ugonjwa (HIV).” Mzee wangu hata ukiona tukikosana ni m-adult sana. Ananishowingi, “Gai, siku moja…” Hata ni mimi nilimfanyia madharau nikamfukuza live na nikamnyima mwezi mzima. Wacha nikwambie, wanaume hudinyana nje, lakini wacha nikushow, kama unawekanga mzee wako vile kunatakiwa, unampatia kuma kabisa, hata akienda adinye malaya fifty, akili zake zitakuwa kuwa tu kwako. Hata akiwekwa box na malaya ama akaliwe chapati, akili yake… Mzee wangu mpaka alinipigia saa sita usiku, “Kui mi hata nimeshidwa kulala.” Nikamshow, “Hutaweza kulala juu unajua niko mbali. Siku ile nilikuwa karibu, ulifanyia watoi madharau.” Juu mimi na yeye hukosana juu ya kufanyia watoi madharau, anakataa kupea watoi kile wanataka. Mi hata sio mimi anapenda sana ni watoto Saa unajua huwezi kaa hapo uniona watoi wakikula shida, hapo ndio huwa tunakosana. Lakini wacha niku-show, my dear, hii maisha inatak msee ako active, active kwa kila ki? Kitu na ku-enjoy life.