Secrets

#OOMFF

I joined Twitter in 2009.Mainly because I wanted to read white people Jokes. White boys and bored house Fraus make for the best comedy.  As the site took on a life of itself, Kenyans latched on and it didn’t take long before we made Twitter our own. #Someonetellcnn being a defining moment in the narrative that is #KOT. The world took notice. More importantly, we took notice and Kenyans logged into Twitter in droves, making it a Mecca for social media enthusiasts.It has now become a small proud kingdom on account of all the keyboard wars they’ve won thus far. What do characters do we find in a Kingdom? First we present the royalty i.e bigwigs, court jesters;tweeps always posting memes and witty wordplay, guards; grammar Nazis, peasants; smallwigs, and the reason I have gathered you all here today, the veritable harem of nubile concubines i.e twitter whores ,Thots, rachets…et cetera, et cetera… Do you know that Jennifer Lopez, MILF supremo, can’t enter into your local supermarket and get a packet of milk for free?! But that some fat boy from Soweto, Kayole with 10,000 followers could have Ms. Braeburn gargling his balls right this minute? All long locks and yellow skin tongue that thinks bacon is cheap gargling sweaty ghetto balls! In this ailing economy, there’s one thing that remains the cheapest, Vagina. If you are sitting there thinking that you need to spend ridiculous amounts of money to get that hot girl into bed, then you need to be introduced to Twitter. Where a girl will part her thighs for a guy whose Twitter handle appears next to some number he can’t even deposit in a bank or buy him a fart in the wind. I am not one to speak from a high horse, I could give a shit if girls put their snatches in a sling and aimed them at cops during a riot, I don’t care. What I’m trying to do though is make sense of these matters. Sidika and Co. will be whores for money. Koinange and SJ sluts will lick boners for money too. Asa Akira and Jesse Jane will deep throat for a fortune. Gold diggers will screw that old man for upkeep and soon will bone him into an early grave for the inheritance. So pray tell, Twitter Slores (slut+whore) why do you do it? No! Don’t tell the audience! Tell me, *clears throat*…. for a follow back and RT privileges ;). They will send nudes and invite a random stranger with 10000 followers (never forget the currency) into their inner sanctum and it’ll be moisturized accordingly, no panties for easy  access, so that said stranger, can follow them back on Twitter and also retweet whatever she posts. Oh, that’s all? HEY! I was beginning to think all this wasn’t going to make sense! (I’m taking sarcasm classes, this was my homework) Is your life so empty, so void of meaning that you would debase yourself for such meaningless a prize? It’s clear you have no shame girl, and to spare even a little mercy for your soul for such would be a total waste. In other words, What The F*? This does not bode well for the rest of us. Why? Because believe it or not, women are the glue that holds society together. You disagree? Adams choice was simple, eat apple get pussay. The war of Troy was fought because of Helen of Troy’s vagina. Bill Clinton, perfect record until he couldn’t resist som’n som’n from Lewinski.  Get the picture? Vagina is valuable, not in the conventional monetary terms but in a social and evolutionary sense. Giving it away for retweets is lowering the stock for a very valuable commodity. I’d be like selling a kg of gold for a shilling. A Tanzanian shilling!!! It fills me with bile to think that the fate of society is going to be washed away by the wetness in a sexually wanton tweep’s vagina. But like the late great Oscar Wilde said, “Bitch keep your knees together!” IMG-20140819-WA0000