Secrets

Feeding the Sexy Beast

August 25, 2014

Njoki Chege made a valid point when she talked about irresponsible wives letting their husbands drown in belly fat. It is irresponsible behavior, and anti marriage, because how do you expect that man to sex you, his wife, till Kingdom cum, and keep the family bond strong? Can he even find his dick to piss? Probably why he keeps dripping on the toilet seat, eh? He can’t aim! What about the wife using her children as excuses for being obese. Can she even ride him or are her thighs to heavy to lift up and down? It has occurred to me that probably the reason most people have unfulfilled sex lives is not because they don’t know the Kamasutra by heart, or they don’t have a lifetime subscription to Pornhub, it’s because of their bad feeding habits. Oh, you didn’t think that your creamy vagina was dependent  upon what you put in your mouth? (lol, stop thinking of penis for Christ’s sake!) Sex is like sports, you need to be well practiced, well exercised, well rested, and most importantly, well nourished. Our Generation though, is married to KFC, with Pizza Inn as the mistress and Kenchic as the rachet ex girlfriend. We feed or bodies trash and this reflects in every part of our lives  (yes, fat lips are a thing ladies), then we wonder why ours is a sexually frustrated nation. So for your next meal order some food that will do wonders for your bump and grind. Asparagus is vegetable that I am sure wasn’t the most popular when we were kids, but as an adult make sure you have it in bulk, makes your pee smell a little but is well worth the effort. This little veggie contains folic acid and potassium. The former component increases the production of sex drive chemicals and the latter is for strong boners bones, which are always useful. Add some to your man’s food and he turns from EPL enthusiast to Alejandro in no time. Complete with bare chest! Androsterone is a chemical that appears in male sweat, no, no, I’m not asking you to go lick someone’s arm pits, you don’t need to. It is odorless but raises flags in the Female olfactory system (admit that you didn’t know that’s the nose 😛 ) that go, “Bitch, fuck this sweaty nigga NOW!”. This chemical is also found in celery which actually helps you shed weight because it uses up calories instead of adding any when you eat it. So next time you’re at Zucchini gentlemen, purchase a few Celery sticks to help with your uhm…stick. Halloween is coming up and I’m excited! Not because I plan on dressing up, but because i will be collecting all those Pumpkin seeds you cool kids will be setting aside after carving. Pumpkin seeds help produce Testosterone in men and awaken sexual desire in women. I will testify that I have tried these before, and let me say the sex was so good I shed a tear (I cry a lot during shag, can you tell? Don’t judge, Jesus wept too.) Ahuacatl is what the Aztecs called what is popularly called an Avocado or the Testicle tree. With that kind of moniker need I say more? I’m a great talker so I will anyway. The avocado increases libido in both sexes. In my opinion I think you should let her handle this tender fruit, coarse on the outside, mushy on the inside, to get a general idea of how she will handle your balls…but, we cut up Avocados so that’s probably a bad idea. (Nyeri chiks I see you) Cardamoms are found in Pilau masala. These spices increase blood flow to your nether regions and we all know what that means, horny bastards straight ahead! No wonder coastal people are always shagging, it’s all the Pilau and Biriani they keep wolfing down. When a Pwani girl cooks for you, you should realize that if it’s Biriani for lunch, pussy is dessert. Arrive prepared. Considering the way they slow wind their waists while humming random bango songs… *tausi mpenzi wangu, mpenzi wangu wa thamani*…Shit! I need a minute. I’ve said this before and I’ll say it again. There’s only one cure all for these disorders affecting men today, erectile dysfunction, impotence, premature ejaculation? Is that what you’ve got? Just eat some pussy and watch it go away! Ladies, cramps, pms, yeast infection, crabs, chlamydia, suck that dick like it’s oozing biriani!* *not recommended by a licensed health practitioner, but fuck it! what do those guys know? It’s not like they went to school for 6 years to learn any of this…oh, wait!