Have Some Humanity!
I don’t trust people who say they don’t watch porn. I mean who the hell doesn’t watch porn? I’d forgive the Pope because he has the whole God thing going on, but the rest of you heathens can’t lie to me. I know you watch it. Not only do you watch it but you also enjoy it. You probably even put it on for your guests along with a cup of coffee and biscuits! Perverts. Do you know why I’m so sure you watch porn? I’ll tell you. First of all, it’s basic human instinct to want to know about not just our sexuality but that of others too- sexual curiosity is inbuilt. We recognized this late in the 20th century and the education system tried to address it with showing 12 year olds pictures of the reproductive system and to clarify how boys get girls pregnant. Unfortunately, all that education went out the window the first time I opened a bra and found that the diagram in Primary Home Science book 6 page 35 LIED! Oh the devastation! I knew nothing! I needed to learn more and guess what helped out? Did you just say pornography? Exactly! This happened to all of you lads and ladies and you cannot deny that porn, at least, helped you know which hole to stick it in. The second reason I know you pervs beat your meat to Asa Akira’s Insatiable (yes, I know my porn!) is because technology has made it so much more accessible. We no longer have to search the dingy streets of Downtown Nairobi for tapes of blue movies because, WiFi. What do you do with free high speed WiFi after (or before, no one’s judging) you’ve downloaded the latest videos from YouTube, a few music albums, and episodes of Breaking Bad? You log onto Google and search for Ebony Orgies. Don’t feel all awkward that I found you out! It’s not your fault I’m Sherlock Holmes incarnate! In all honesty though, all that tissue you buy…Normal people don’t just go into supermarkets and come out with a 40 pack of tissue and 10 Nivea bottles! Not for a bedsitter. Do you even eat? No wonder every part of you that’s not your right hand looks withered and emaciated! Put some bread into that basket next time aye? Porn does have some positives though. First off, it does rid you of all that adolescent ignorance you have about sex (and adds a few adult misconceptions, but hey, no one’s perfect), which will do you a world of good the first time you have sex and you don’t embarrass yourself…much. Maybe even impress that girl (highly doubtful), and all of a sudden your self esteem skyrockets (lol keep in mind that I can be full of shit). Porn is prescribed by sex therapists to help add some spice in marriages that have become as exciting swallowing saliva. Thus keeping families together and any daughters born out of said boring marriages, out of strip clubs and porn studios. Instead, these girls become fine, upstanding citize…wait a minute!!! They should ban porn for married couples. Porn is also used at Sperm Banks as a visual aid to the donors. A video of Naomi Banxxx and Lexington Steele all sweaty orgasmic, and in no time, you squirt into a small cup, get paid thousands and you can go drink yourself into a ditch. Your sticky pot of gold will be inseminated into the cervix of a willing lady and boom! More babies for bitter old women! The porn industry doesn’t get nearly enough credit for its contribution to mankind. Now that we are in agreement that this sexual performance art is very necessary for the survival of humanity, we should all just be honest about our need to watch it and wank a little. So that next time I ask if you have a few Nuru massage clips, you quit acting like a fucking virgin and hand over the flashdisk. Be kind. It’s for the sake of humanity!