Hole-y Matters

ROCKET SCIENCE 101: Monogamy I like to believe Adam and Eve’s relationship was easy. They had plenty of food and water, they were both ridiculously good looking being the first humans and all, had beautiful Eden all to themselves and they were naked. It was all gravy.  Most importantly though, the reason they were doing well, was because there was no one else around to interfere. You see, when God had finished creating those two he wasn’t done with the modifications to his Human Mach 1, he decided a beta test was necessary and rested. He was planning a perfect life for them, until Adam got a boner and ate the apple (I’m not letting this go, the douchebag) then shit hit the fan, they got kicked out of the garden. The one alteration God didn’t get to put in, was the on switch for Monogamy. I would’ve killed to see Adam’s reaction the first time he got attracted to another woman. He must’ve been minding his business on his porch thinking how he’s going to tear up Eve’s pussay like “Tonight, I’m going to screw Eve back to creation!” then….. “Shiiiiid, look at that ass! Daaaamn” when he saw the other girl walk by and thus heralded a new enemy for human relationships, monogamy. Society expects this of us, that we be faithful. If you go against the grain, you’re a slut, a manwhore, promiscuous and she’s entitled to half your shit. What garbage!!! Let’s look at the science behind my saying this. When you are hungry, you eat.  When the body processes the food, you will shit. That’s the way your body is conditioned for your survival. When in a relationship, she makes me horny, I get to bang her into oblivion (to make babies) but if another girl makes me horny I’m not supposed to? ‘Go forth and multiply’ was the order. How will we propagate the species if I can’t bang anyone else? Monogamy is anti creation. Anti evolution!!! I have a blocked nose today, but I still smell the bullshit and it stinks! Nature is a bitch about this unfairness, it floods the jungle with instances of males of different species hanging with their harems of willing females. Lions with their pride of lionesses, cocks with their hens, Prezzo with Huddah, Vera, Cess Mutungi, Sheila Mwanyiga…and still we’re expected the to tow the line with just the one female?  Swans and penguins mate for life, are they more civilized and self controlled than us mammals. Maybe. I love my girl. She is smart, beautiful, funny with an ass that makes by scrotum ache, but alas, I am human, I see other asses too.  Bigger, rounder more sumptuous buttocks. Buttocks that bring tears to my eyes. Do I yearn to partake in these foreign pleasures? Yes, God yes!!! Do i go through with it? No :”'( . Why? Because if I did go through with it and she found out, I would lose her. Therein lies the reason monogamy has thrived for centuries: we are afraid to lose our mate. This should not be confused with wanting to be monogamous. No, nobody wants that. What you really want is what your carnal desires want. They want you to bend Susan from accounts over your desk and screw her like she withheld your payslip. You have a carnal need to put your boyfriend’s best friend in your mouth and suck the black off his dick. That’s what you really want. The rational part of your brain knows the consequences though, so we abstain, and go home to our spouses. It’s an eternal struggle to remain faithful, affecting every subsequent generation. Maybe our president had it right when he passed the polygamy bill. Although it has not been popular with the women, because apparently it’s misogynistic blah blah blah…I see it as a way out of this evolutionary crisis. Only the strongest survive, there’s strength in numbers. Let’s just smash, make babies and leave the legal and financial implications up to the lawyers and economists to oversee. For Christ’s sake i would just like to suck on Vanessa’s nipples for once without having to worrying about wify finding out! What are you afraid about your spouse finding out?