Secrets

Holey Matters

THE FINAL STRAW I resent the person that reduced men into a mindless pack of erections on limbs, when they said that we can and do stick our pricks in any hole. I resent them because they were right, and it was supposed to be a secret! It was probably a rich, attractive woman whose man nutted in Mama Mboga and ensured his family would never eat salad with creamy mayonaisse dressing ever again. With that scenario in mind, I kinda see her point. And to prove it was a Kenyan woman, “Kila shimo unaona unadunga” is a staple phrase in 80% of all relationships in this corner of the world. Is this true? Yes and no. I make up statistics all the time but it is happening people!!! We work very hard to distinguish ourselves from other men. We try to dress better than other men, drive better cars, make more money, uniqueness is a rare quality that we strive to achieve. The one thing we seem to be in unanimous agreement on, save for a few kabadian* brothers out there, is pussy.We all love it! We stare at it, we eat it, we fuck it. It haunts our dreams and nightmares. I bet you there’s a scientist somewhere who has put aside his Ebola research and is looking for a way for men to drink pussy- just a sachet in your morning coffee (not too much, we are gentlemen after all) and you’re good for the day.  Just like every other thing in society of course, pussy, has a caste system. Not all holes are the same! They could never be! We cant have a billionaire stroking Ms. Korogocho (he would though, but then hire an excellent PR firm to spin it as Corporate Social Responsibility, Olivia Pope things) How is this distinction achieved? Is there an actual documented international ethics code of practice for pussy? Unfortunately no. We can send a robot to Mars but we cant come up with Pussy Laws to govern it’s consumption? Stop this planet! I want off! This distinction is thus created and stored by our minds. And because we’ve all tried so hard to be unique, our rules and standards for pussy vary greatly. We’re greedy creatures though and the variance is almost negligible. We’re attracted to 90% of female kind and the only reason we don’t bed them all, apart from outright rejection,  is that ‘final straw’. This ensures that pussy is well shared out equally for everyone. For every man, there is that final straw that will make sure, we don’t tap that. We make up a subconscious set of standards for ourselves that the penis adheres to like Draconian Law. It may be a quirk in a female, a certain look, basically anything!  Take me for example, I will not fuck a girl if I don’t like her feet. Simple. If I don’t like your feet, the deal is off. Peter Penis is going back to his room! I remember a time when I was in love with Naomi Campbell, I mean who wasn’t! The statuesque beauty with lips that could suck the wrinkles off a scrotum! Suffice to say, I was smitten! That is until the day I saw her feet. Damn! They looked like they were climbing on top of each other to get to a grand prize! They looked like Floyd Mayweather’s knuckles, if he was boxing huge rocks! I was immediately cured of any future boners associated with her. They don’t have to be feet of a specific skin complexion, my mind just has to agree with them. Feet are the first thing I look at when I meet a girl. Feet first then the obligatory ass, thighs blah blah. The Pedicure must be as if Leonardo da Vinci himself took some time off painting the Mona Lisa to do your toes! Jewellery on the toes is an added advantage. My mind is always searching for something to give some poor girl the boot. If I don’t like your hair, nose, eyes, lips…. anything! It’s off. No sex for you miss. Why this snobbish,elitist behaviour? Apart from the very valid, reasonable and entirely scientific, reasons stated above, it also stands that women outnumber men in world population. Don’t listen to anyone guys (census? what census?), we are swimming in pussy. All these girls throwing it at me like I’m the cure for PMS, shouldn’t I get to be picky? Ladies, Ladies, calm down! The truth hurts but its no reason to sharpen that Machete and hunt me down. Accept it, it’ll set you free. I’m sure its going to be hard finding someone with the name Facialknight on their ID card anyway. Obey the pecking order gents. All esteemed Gentlemen, must eat dignitary clit. If you’re a the-wrong-side-of-the-tracks kind of guy guy, stick to your mama mboga clit lanes. Tuachie sisi gentlemen, wasichana wa geti kali tafadhali. Don’t start flexing your mjengo abs at Karen babes. Don’t forget to sharpen your standards sticks, these females are our for the picking.       N/B: All is not lost, last week I saw that the  neighbourhood mad woman was pregnant, so take my sermon with a pinch of salt will ya’? *gay community