How To: ANAL

Suckers! This is actually an article on how to succeed in life…suck seed, hihihi.

Anyway, back to the booty. Now, all my anal experience upto let’s say, 2015…involved the wrong kind of lube, lotion. There was also this running joke about people who carry baby oil in their handbags… Suffice to say, all my attempts were tragic! I kept tearing and nothing was going in! Fuck! So what was I doing wrong?

Here are all my tips, on how to put a phallic object through one’s anal sphincter successfully. 

1. Lot of The Right Kind of Lube
It has to be water based. Has to be! We cannot continue putting petroleum based products inside delicate tissue membrane and expect to come…cum through it without major tearing, a yeast infection and bacterial sepsis! Please, listen. This is crucial, use lots and lots of water based lube. How should it be used?

2. Prepare Your Bumhole
Now, I’m not here to tell you to wash your booty. This is not a hygiene blog and some of you swing in the most disgusting directions, whew!  This is to tell you to start by putting small phallic objects in there first before your ambitious libido goes straight to the mandingo in your bed. Acclimate your sphincter by first inserting well lubed fingers, one after the other until you’re comfortable with the entire enterprise. Go slowly, si ati ni lazima, you probably have other perfectly functional holes that can be used in the meantime while you teach yourself to enjoy having something moving in and out your bum. 

Preparation also involves getting lube inside your anus. You need it in there, even if you’ve already emptied half a tube of KY onto the penis/dildo, believe me! The thing is super tight, which is why it’s so sexy in the first place, a lot of that lube will be squeezed off of the penis on entry. Itaachwa nje yaani. Get some inside you!

3. Have an Orgasm
If it’s still hella uncomfortable, or even painful, your brain might be getting in the way. You’ve been told it should be painful so your body’s automatic response is to clench. I could tell you, just relax…but that’s stupid. You can body hack by getting an orgasm right before you start trying to penetrate your behind. Orgasmic contractions are very involuntary and so is the post orgasmic relaxation. You’ll be surprised how easily things will slide into your anus once you’re in that orgasmic haze, caring about nothing, remembering zero misconceptions about how painful sexual practices religion forbids conveniently are.

4. Keep it A  Marathon
You don’t have to get it right the first time. You have your butthole with you forever, nah? If a mandingo isn’t going in, try it with someone smaller. Work your way up. Pole pole ndio mwendo.

If you successfully get the head in, please go slowly, si ati you ram it in and go full hardcore on a sphincter! YOU MONSTER! Keep the movements slow until the person under you says either of those magic words “Harder!” “Faster!”

You’ve been edumacated. Go forth and conquer an anus.