On Shame

The backlash from starting this website…sirizetu, was *whew* tremendous. Did it stop my fucking? Fuck no! Did it stop me writing about all the penis? Yes! And who lost? All of us. But especially me. How?

I used this platform to interrogate a lot of my sexuality as an early adult, as well as to explore what I wanted it to grow into. Writing about all the dick I got and what I wanted to keep doing with it allowed me to see past the veil of shame that patriarchy had so bestowed upon me by virtue of gender, at birth. I saw past it, in my retelling of how things went down, right upto the point it occurred to me that yes, that sexual encounter was rape, that other one was rape too, so was that one and the other one too.

Others saw it to, mostly perpetrators. People around me who had known of these encounters and ‘helped’ me bury the discomfort around them under jokes and witty anecdotes and yes, shame! Victim blaming. It took ages to figure out why so many of my close friends suddenly wanted to ‘save’ me from my sex blog.

Like…wasn’t it good writing? The stats were bomb! I was getting offered writing jobs. What was so damn wrong with it that the social consequences were so harsh. Why was I losing longterm friendships to a sex blog?! I stopped writing.

And then I stopped interrogating my sexual encounters. I talked about the blog, but I stopped discussing the dick. This led straight down the path it was meant to. I became a respectable lil queen. I got stable, non sex related, writing work, someone asked me to marry them, hello more respectability…It was all good till it hit me on my birthday that I was majorly depressed.

My life looked nothing like I wanted it to. My ambitions seemed even further out of reach than they were when I was homeless in Nairobi. I admitted for the first time, under the influence of a lot of red wine, in tears, to myself and my then fiance, that I was a rape victim. #MeToo. Then I proceeded to sleep on the couch because sucker was a victim blaming pig.

Months later, I was out of an admittedly abusive relationship and the rebuilding started afresh in 2017. There was SO MUCH damage! So fucking much! Most of it financial. All the infrastructure I’d put in place had been systematically destroyed by people I had thought were well meaning friends, even while the blog was still running they were actively shutting it down at every turn. Fuck them.

We’re back baby!