Secrets

Sexercise 101: Introduction

We women like to think we are perfect. That our bodies are perfectly engineered to please man. Isn’t that why they’re so obsessed with sex? Isn’t just showing up with a well groomed muff enough to make the man in of life drool and hump his way to an orgasm in a matter of minutes? Well, in the past two decades it has been proven that men, like us ladies would prefer a little variety under the sheets. So we came up with a cornucopia of sex moves, some pulled directly from that hole-y of holy books, the Kamasutra. Dragon in the praying-mantis, the lotus, cat in the cradle and other such terms became common bedroom lingo and fellatio (genital in mouth disease) spread like a bad flu. In all this it was accepted that men are visual creatures and ushered in the era of Victoria’s Secret lingerie. Women adopted the thong and wonderbra combi like it was the long lost lovechild of Aphrodite and R. Kelly. We have worn crotchless panties and pierced ourselves in the unmentionables to please the thirsty eyes of our men lest they look elsewhere for a little lovin’! Has this changed the divorce rates to a more favorable number? No. They have instead, very surprisingly, increased.  Nobody is staying in marriages anymore. The situation is so dire that the British government is now paying couples 20 pounds a months just to stay together! The Kenyan government laughs and moons it’s gigantic butt at anyone that dares suggest such nonsense. They have instead sent me to teach you a few things that may be missing in your relationships and have promised that if this doesn’t work, they’ll take my initial suggestion to just scrape the whole institution of marriage from the constitution. No marriages et voila! Zero divorces! My next few series of articles will feature this monster called ‘sexercise’ that I promise will NOT involve going into any gym. Those of you that have seen me will know that most forms of activity that involve getting out of breath are my natural enemy. I hate stairs and will only go on long walks if it’s a romance thing and there’s the promise of serious hanky panky afterwards. Speaking of hanky panky, I won’t even have sex in positions that involve excessive activity on my part (hate going on top). So trust me ladies when I say that sexercise won’t involve you breaking a sweat. Your man though, I will not be implicated if you use these methods on a 50year old and give him a heart attack. Be sure to take him slowly.