The first time I thought, ‘Shit, I might be gay,’ I was 17 and loooooving the feel of some light skin Kiuk girl’s boobs. We’d spent the day bonding AF! I only realized she’d been hitting on me when I woke up, it was a sleepover, and she was trying to get her hands under my jumper to grab and my nipples. Sigh…
Thing is, I couldn’t be gay. I was into boys. Like really into boys. So, no I wasn’t gay. And bi is only a thing girls are in campus, right? To impress boys… I decided I would leave all my experimentation to Uni, when it would be considered normal to have sex with girls.
Campus came round and it turned out, it wasn’t really acceptable there either. The shaming still happened, albeit in the form of rumors of who’d been expelled or suspended in high school for being gay. These ones were still shunned in the grown up world. I found myself grateful I’d had a firm ‘no sex in school’ policy (adopted while in a mixed school) that had saved me from this unique form of slut shaming.
I was already considered a whore by those who purported to know me, and the social consequences were damning, but homophobic shaming was on a whole other level that I was sure I didn’t want to take part in. Not to say that I didn’t do my fair share of drunk make out sessions with girls, for the male gaze of course.
The first time I actually had sex with a girl, it was supposed to be a threesome. I hadn’t even considered it. She was gorgeous, skinny (I still had hang ups about being fat dem days), totally out of my league. She was hitting on my friend, they were going to have sex, he knew I was a freak and when the sly opportunist asked if she was game for a threesome and she said an enthusiastic yes, I just went along with it. Woe unto him.
I knew this was something different immediately we started making out. His exclusion was palpable. Aliambiwa akae kando, then when he went out for a smoke she locked the door behind him. Ha! We fucked for hours!!!! So good. Fuck!
I’d used the word ‘bisexual’ to describe myself before, but it didn’t ring true until that experience. I knew I didn’t want to stop, but I didn’t know where to go next.