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Today I’m going to say a bit (ok, a lot!) about our 2nd closest ape relatives, The Bonobo monkey, Pan paniscus. These monkeys have been linked to us not only by their genetic make up and anatomy, but also by their social and most importantly, sexual behavior.It’s only too obvious that I’m about to bombard your tender sensibilities with details of a monkey’s sex life…no it’s not about bestiality, and that’s because any human who’d try that…well that’s a story for later in this article.

People have been talking about Nyeri women for a few years now. Joking about them. Making snide comments like, “Those Neri men are pussies! There’s no way I’d allow my woman to lift even a mosquito against me let alone a panga! Hell, she wouldn’t even dare watch the news about a fire Nyeri in my presence!!!” Well men, you’re in for a shocker. You’d better start shaking in your boots na mapema just to save time. It seems humans of the female persuasion are not going through the motions of evolution as was previously thought but rather are going back to their roots. Bonobo females have higher social status. It’s a matriarchal society through and through. Females tend to collectively dominate males by forming alliances and use sexuality to control males (mental note: keep main and side bitch away from each other). A male’s rank in the social hierarchy is determined by his mother’s rank (explains why men nowadays are such mama’s boys, it’s not just women reverting to their ancestral ways). Yes, sometimes uprisings do occur against the females of a group where males band together but nowhere in history have they ever beaten these super females. With their mating seasons synchronized for centuries, any attempts at mass impregnation only leads to a hormone fueled victory for bonobo femmes. Do I hear disbelief and contradictory remarks? Ati how’s this related to human females especially those from Nyeri? Well, bonobo body proportions closely resemble those of Australopithecus. Richard Dawkins, in his book The Ancestor’s Tale, proposes that chimpanzees and bonobos are descended from Australopithecus gracile type species; in other words, the ancestors of chimpanzees and bonobos would be some of the Australopithecus afarensis (homo sapiens were once that). The Bonobo is from the Congo basin and according to our history so are our wild Bantu, Nyeri women. That plus the fact that the word Bonobo is reported to be the word for ancestor in an extinct Bantu language, doesn’t bode well for men married to Bantu women. Also take into consideration that this is from the tribe that has a myth about how men got all their women pregnant then staged a coup. It’s safe to say that Nyeri women are just taking back what’s rightfully theirs. It’s not about to stop. In fact their ideology may just spread.

Bonobos are also one of the only species that practise face-to-face genital sex a.k.a missionary position instead of the all too ordinary doggie that all other species have used since time indefinite!!! See, doggie can be boring. Spice it up a little, try doing the ‘Johann Ludwig Krapf’ for once (who didn’t get what that meant? keti hapa \_|_ ).Bonobos practice tongue kissing (hey, it’s not the French who invented it after all! And neither did the Indians 300 ago Uberfacts smh) and…pay maximum attention here, ORAL SEX. HA!!! Finally men can say, “Babe, your ancestors require it of you. Mwacha mila ni mtumwa. Now, kneel…please.” DON’T forget to say please, remember these are Nyeri women thing.

NEXT UP: Dildos. Yup, these wily chimps make dildos. (But it’s unnatural!!!) Out of bark and wood nonetheless. (It don’t get more natural than that!!!) One word for these monkey mamas, NINJA!!! Kwani their vajajays are ngumu how? They’re so hardcore they need bark to rub their G spot right! Now back to that bestiality gig I was warning you not to try with these monkeys. Imagine putting your very sensitive knob into a horny little bonobo female, assuming she’s willing and doesn’t think of you as the ugliest thing on earth. Now remember that she’s been using bark. Yes she’ll rip you to shreds!!! And what of the human female? Do you really want a monkey dong that pleasures the bark loving females up in your tender regions? Didn’t think so.

Apparently pole dancing begun wholly as a Pan paniscus pass time.

Something that’ll make you guys happy and annoyed simultaneously. The bonobo (yes, I know referring to them this way makes then seem like a human tribe), don’t form permanent sexual relationships. Yeah, polygamy is innate…but so is polyandry. What’s polyandry, I hear you ask? Well, it’s origin is from the Grecian tongue (and we all know how pervy the Greeks were). Poly of course means many while ‘andry’ comes for the Greek word ‘andras’ ie man. Yes, many men. Females also have it written in their genetic make up that they can, nay, must have more than one male sexual partner at any one given time. Yes, even during sex. Finding that hard to swallow? (I could so have made a nasty joke about swallowing right there, but I’m just innocent like that) Well, let’s hope this next bit of info will shove it all forcefully down your throats ready for further digestion. All that moaning you males seem to like so much, guess what’s it’s purpose is. Just try. No, it’s not to quicken your ejaculation. And no, Mother Nature didn’t like dudes so much that she created it just for your enjoyment. SMH! No more guesses for you lot! The MOAN is an invitation to mate. “‘But that doesn’t make sense! She’s already mating! Why would she invite…oh, oh…” Now you get it. She’s inviting other males in the area to join. Apparently more than one set of sperm competing for that egg ensures only the very very best gets to be born. So subconsciously your woman is inviting any male in the vicinity to come join in your mattress frolics. So when your neighbour comes-a-knocking…

Nature demands that I join you!!! Just ask your wife! Hey! Let me in!

The louder she moans, the more she wants that Devil’s Threesome! Come on, be a generous lover, give it to her.

The Bonobo do not discriminate between the sex and age of their partners. The only thing they’ve been observed to abstain from is intercourse between mothers and their adult sons. When females reach puberty they move from their clan and join a neighbouring one presumably to ensure variance within the species. Upon joining a new group these teenage chimps then engage in homosexual sexual activity with females of that clan in order to forge new bonds that last their lifetime. This sexual practice involves their rubbing sexual organs and is referred to in very high scientific circles as GG-rubbing ie genital-genital rubbing aka tribbing. (I’m assuming their bark dildos came into use at some point.) Homosexual behaviour isn’t limited to the females though. Male Bonobos have been observed hanging from trees, for lack of a better word, ‘penis-fencing’ ie one was Anakin, the other was Darth Vader and their dicks were lightsabers. Before you puke, they also rub scrotal sacs together as a form of reconciliation after a fight. You can now puke, here’s a bucket. That picture preceding this paragraph, I bet they were like, “Dude, you gave me crabs last time we fought!”

Above picture of Halle Berry and below one of Halle Berry’s boobs in the movie Swordfish, all to help you forget the above article

It’s a Friday, go out and get some…Like a BONOBO!!!