I think it’s time we dropped this charade. It’s getting older than Moi’s nose hairs and it may earn us men some much needed respite. We have been accused, we have plead not guilty on numerous accounts but have been convicted none the less, even when the charges belonged to the next man. I’d like to throw myself at the mercy of the court when I admit that, all men are dogs. Yes. All of us. Filthy, horny, dogs. We couldn’t keep it in our pants even if it meant World Peace (which it probably does :-/). From your Dad to that silent guy who is always hunched over his computer at work (someone should look into that guy, I think he’s watching porn). We are dogs. Come on ladies, the writing was on the wall, we even gave you a little hint. A dog is man’s best friend. Who said, “Show me your friends and I’ll tell you who you are”? He was talking about man and his doggy mate.
Why choose to be a dog? You may ask, well, it’s because we can. Simple. There’s not a more selfish, insensitive and callous animal than the male of the human species. We were not created with a caring bone in our bodies. Caring was just implied in the Creator of the Universe manual. Females on the other hand are blessed with being able to bring forth life, hence are natural care-givers. Save us the guilt trip, those are the sort of characteristics necessary for us to be hunters and conquerors, so that the family could eat and we could have dominion over nature, just as the good Lord intended. If we cared about monogamy and the sanctity of life and all of that ethical crap, the human species would have died out ages ago. This also comes with some baggage, as most men, by default, don’t give a shit about female emotions. Only what they harbor in between their thighs.
It’s all a game of who can pierce the most pussies in a single lifetime. A game most men are more than willing to take part in. Other men are less than enthusiastic about our hunger games, because society decided to create morals. Now its frowned upon if I shag 10 girls while having someone at home. I forgot to tell them about her! You try declaring your marital status to her while she’s all wrapped up around you, moving under you, when you’re completely taken by thick thighs with tears in your eyes (this shit even rhymes, that’s how right it is!) That girl will turn into a raging bull so fast!!! If you manage to hold on and keep your dick inside her during the bucking, it’ll be the fuck of your life!!! Better be worth it though, because she will find your wife. Divorce, ostracism, half your wealth gone… Woe unto you if you get caught cleaning the maid’s pipes! Hitler never died people, he just lived on in form of this nonsense.
Now, since I feel for all you dogs out there, I did some research and some baking and found a way for you to have your cake and eat it too. Want to be a dog and still keep the wifey around? ‘;o Well, beat her with the same stick she beats you with. I mean fuck her into submission. Yes, there’s such a thing. This theory brings a whole new meaning to the phrase “fuck her brains out”. Scientists contend that an extraordinarily intense orgasm can cause temporary memory loss. Anything that powerful can always come to your aid because even if the memory loss is temporary, the effects are permanent. How many women have you ever heard confess that they want to leave their philandering men but can’t because, and I quote, “The D is too damn good”? It’s what shackles them to the relationship.
When they say good D, they mean toes curling, blindness causing, failure of motor functions inducing, mother’s maiden name calling good D. The type she has to ask which year it is afterwards. The type that leaves her muttering nothingness into the pillowcase, twitching. Never underestimate the power of good Dick. Since you’re in trouble for doing the same to other innocent victims, you might as well pick up the experience from your away games to please the home crowd.
I won’t stand here and preach that this is the miracle cheat for all you horny bastards, but it’s damn sure going to create some breathing space for you. You just need her to have a reason to hold on to your sorry ass. Plus treat her like a queen. Even if she thinks you’re cheating, the ethereal sex and a dozen of roses you sent to her mother, will confuse the fuck out of her.
And even before the jury reaches a verdict of whether or not you’re guilty in the matter of the state vs your libido, their minds have already been swayed by how many times you made them all cum. And that gentlemen, is how you get away with murder, I rest my case.
So Minnie tells Mickey that she wants a divorce.
Mickey asks her, “Are you fucking crazy? ”
She tells him, “No, I’m fucking Goofy.”
That’s a terrible terrible joke!!!
Ivan Pavlov was a famous Russian physiologist. He contributed to many areas of physiology and neurology. Most of his work involved research in temperament, classical conditioning and involuntary reflex action. His was an interesting life and as much as I would love love love to bore you to tears teaching you the scientific significance of his work with dogs and children (no you perv, I’m not talking about bestiality or paedophilia) this is Kenya and I’m on company time (skyving work, don’t tell my boss).
His research was the first (and only??) step taken towards understanding the females of our species that actually yielded some useful results. HOW?
So bitches and bells. Pavlov experiments with dogs involved measuring the amount of saliva a dog produced when it heard it’s dinner bell. The longer you used to bell to signify the arrival of food, the more the saliva it would produce. This is conditioning. Pavlov’s work with classical conditioning was of huge influence to how humans perceive themselves, their behavior and learning processes and his studies of classical conditioning continue to be central to modern behavior therapy.the idea of “conditioning” as an automatic form of learning became a key concept in the developing specialism of comparative psychology, and the general approach to psychology that underlay it, behaviorism.
His experiments with children further confirmed that humans exhibit ‘taught’ behavior and it influences a large part of our everyday lives. So where does this tie in with coiting?
Well, it goes without saying that if you’re rewarded for doing something then you’ll keep on doing it hoping to get rewarded again. If you do get rewarded each time, then you’ll keep on doing it again and again and that action becomes ingrained in your system thus becoming an involuntary reflex action. This system of rewarding is termed as POSITIVE REINFORCEMENT.
Its opposite is NEGATIVE REINFORCEMENT. If you do something wrong and get punished for it every time you do it, then it SHOULD should go without saying that in time, the desire to do it will dissipate and disappear completely!!!
This system of rewarding and behavioral learning was later found to be writ in our DNA. What’s interesting is that it’s contained only by the X chromosome. Men can use it but they don’t have a complete grasp of when it’s appropriate to pull a ‘Pavlov’. Women on the other hand know exactly when to use it. SCIENTIFIC EXPLANATION: They’ve got two X chromosomes.
When you buy flowers (ref: MULTI-SEXUAL BEINGS hehehe), she puts out ie YOUR REWARD. When you don’t take out the trash she gets a headache.
When you take her on a shopping spree preferably to Victoria’s Secret, head is definitely on the menu (gikomba if you’re a cheap a**hole)!
Buy her jewelry on her birthday (and I don’t mean those 50bob chains from the street, cheapskate!) and you’re guaranteed a peek at that thong. Forget Valentine’s and you’ll get bobitted (Google that if you don’t know what I mean, you’ll understand why it’s not good for your health)
As with all theories, the Minx/Pavlov law of sexual congress has an exception that proves the rule, CHOCOLATE. Buy her chocolate and you’ll be told you want her to get fat. Don’t buy her chocolate and you’ll be told you think she’s fat. (She might not tell you but she’ll be thinking it) Either way, you don’t get none. That sperm doesn’t fertilize that ova, no zygote is formed, no offspring for you. Now apply that to 3.5 billion dense males out there and what have you got? THE EXTINCTION OF MANKIND!!! Don’t buy her chocolate, let her buy some herself.
Bankrupt Cadbury’s, save the world.
Do not eat when you’re hungry because you’ll end up eating junk.
My mum keeps telling me that. For a really long time I thought it was torture. One of those things thin girls and thin girl wannabes do to themselves that never really make a difference. I hate being hungry. So why would I stay hungry to avoid junk food, which tastes really good in normal circumstances, but reaches incredibly unusual levels of absolute deliciousness when you’re starving? Huh? Nah, that’s for the skinny and the skinny at heart. I’m neither.
So what changed my mind?
Well, extrapolation of that principle to fit other areas of my life. There’s too many hungers in this life and too much delicious junk waiting to be consumed. Nowhere is this more apparent than in sexual hunger. The junk available to fulfill your every sexual need is ridiculous in its abundance. What? You don’t believe me? Why? Your dryspell says I’m wrong? Fair point. You’re wrong though.
There’s years where your sex life is crazy! The rainy season if you may. Where all sorts of good, wholesome, genetically blessed – in both brains and beauty, people want to have sex with you. You’re usually already in a stable relationship, having your fill of some delicious pilau dick/pussy daily, to your fill.
Pilau is a balanced meal in one. Starch, protein, vitamins and roughage come together in a beautiful combination with some spice added on to forever entice your taste buds. Your pilau mate is well balanced, perfect for you in every way. If they weren’t you’d never have commited to this one meal. You’d probably be doing that ugali/nyama/kachumbari combi that’s the perfect recipe for sexual gout (read: STDs). Multiple sexual partners isn’t your cup of tea anymore.
The hitch comes in when you can’t taste the spice in your pilau anymore. It becomes boring. You ask around and ypu’re told to add some chilli to your pilau. That’s not interesting enough though. Not when there’s so many other good foods. You’re a consumer of means and your acceptance of commitment to one meal is attractive to other nutritious foods out there. It’s your rainy season after all!
Hapa na pale you find yourself indulging in some nduma dick or ngwaci pussy, that nice girl from your office you’ve been flirting with or a fling with your boss on a weekend out of towner. It’s all good though, they’re all healthy alternatives to your pilau. Then it’s the burgers and pizzas of the sex world, celebrity booty, met them at a fundraiser or something, they were too gorgeous to pass up. Pilau will definitely understand that it was a BOGOF weekend, of celebs fucking down the social ladder. Some sausage choma, chapati madondo, roast maize, mutura, boiled eggs and rave smokies later you find you’ve downgraded to rachet foods. It’s all good, yeah…still got healthy pilau at home. You’re not all bad.
One time though you realize, it’s too expensive to maintain classy pilau and keep your ratchet diet going. No time or money for both. You’re single now. All you’ve got is all that rachet junk food to fill you up. Beautiful, bountiful, why should you ever be tied down. All the food of the world is yours to have now. For how long? Who cares?!
Your bad eating habits mean that you have no more access to all the good food of your rainy season. They don’t want your dried up cheating ass now. All you’ve got is that chips/sausage funga to tide you over day by day. Your body can’t take it though. Not for long. In a little while, without the roughage and vitamins you’re bloated, constipated and constantly fatigued. You need to stop. No more junk for you.
Hearken the dryspell. Your famine is nigh. No more junk for you and the organic whole foods section is no longer available for you to select from. All you’ve got is rachets and they’re ruining your sex life! You can’t even cum anymore! You’re hungry for some release. You want some food. You need some! Badly.
Your desperation is visible, like a green disgusting aura that surrounds you. You stink of it! Desperation makes you look like this (pic of gang green gang) to anyone you approach. They’re all asking one thing, why is he/she so hungry? What’s so wrong with this person that they have no one? Why doesn’t anyone want this person. You know they’re all thinking it. Or you tell yourself that they are, and this only makes you more desperate.
This cycle of hunger, desperation and rejection is what I call: Dryspell Mania. You want someone good to settle down with and you want them NOW! Too bad, no one wants you back.
This is the perfect time to go all Buddhist Monk and stop eating. If you don’t, you’ll end up wifing/ hubbying (??) rachets because of your fear of being alone. So be alone. Stop eating. Even when the hunger is so great you’re pawing at your genitals so hard you’re practically married to your hand, just wait it out. Wait until that point where you don’t even need to self defile to get through a day. Wait until you don’t drool every time you see the naked pizza that is Meagan Good’s nudes (those boooobs!!!). Stay hungry until you’re not hungry anymore.
Take a lesson from Wiz and Kanye. We all agree that those females are fine AF but even Ares accepted Aphrodite’s rachetness. You cannot be a goddess and faithful. It is against the universal code. Divorce and heartbreak is what awaits when you eat at your hungriest. It’s the obesity of the relationship world. It’s what you get when you’re so desperate for love you go around falling for strippers.