The Amazing Race
“You see how we have Halle Berry in the United States, in Ethiopia the streets are filled with Halle Berrys” -Chris Tucker- In a long running tradition of God’s finest practical jokes, he decided to create different races. I’m sure he wanted to foster tolerance and acceptance, but what he succeeded in doing is fostering boners. Fauzia was, 5″11′, bronze complexioned and as ass from here to Kismayu. Somali in origin and all round fine ass chik! The first time I stared into her eyes my dick wept thick white tears. I couldn’t wait to hit that! Rumour had it that Somali girls let you hit it anal because of their strict virginity rules and with the ass on that girl was big enough to tilt the earth off its axis, I didn’t mind that my first booty-ing experience would be with her. Unfortunately that ass was also big enough to tilt the scales of luck against my favour. Alas it wasn’t written in the coital clouds that I make that booty bounce. She had 4 brothers who didn’t take too kindly to neighbourhood boys sticking their 8 inch business (yes girls, 8 inches 😉 ) into their sister’s hole-y of holies. So I spared myself an ass whooping because I don’t look sexy with a broken fibula, and dumped the temptress. I ran into her last week, she gave me that “go suck on a grenade’s pin” look, but I didn’t notice much because my eyes were on that canvas behind her that i wanted to paint with my DNA. How could one girl stir so much desire within my loins? What is it with some races that drives us to the edge of insanity? Why can’t i just revive the same lust with a girl from Nyeri? Or just bust a nut on Anyango and make her cook me ugali na samaki (I did that by the way, story for another day)? Why did God in all his infinite wisdom, make some races infinitely sexier than the rest? Habesha is a term Ethiopians and Eritreans use to refer to themselves. I assure you, this is where creation stopped and art begun. Like Chris Tucker said, the streets were full of Halle Berrys. Sorry Chris,you need to stop smoking Jackie Chan’s Asian weed, Halle has nothing on a mama mboga from Ethiopia! That woman can wash my two hohos anytime (ladies, very big hohos 😉 )! It is ridiculous how beautiful these creatures are! Lola Monroe is an American video vixen born in Ethiopia. Google and steep into depression at the sight of her small waist and the explosion that is her rear end. I saw a video of her dancing and swear to God, I now believe in Unicorns and Smurfs because there’s no way in hell is that thing not magical!!! Don’t get me wrong. I’m not saying that there’s no beautiful blacks in the rest of Africa, or any with big behinds. What I’m saying is that these two qualities are rarely ever found inhabiting the same body. Booty is inversely proportional to beauty here. This inequity of booty : beauty ratio isn’t confined to our African shores though, have a look at Ukraine, Spain, Poland, Portugal, and recently witnessed from the world cup, Brazil and compare these to the rest of America where people are either Adelle or Nicole Richie. I’m sure had I gone to the World Cup, I would NEVER have returned. Why would I when the ugliest girl there looks like Julie Gichuru and Anne Kiguta’s love child? Sleeping with a Brazilian girl should be classified by NASA as an extra terrestrial encounter; because you don’t even use your dick. You use your soul, and your whole life flashes before your eyes and you cum rainbows. It’s been scientifically proven that a man’s brain slows down when talking to a beautiful woman and as such, there should be travel advisories when going to Cristiano Ronaldo’s home town. Brain damage is inevitable and the Portuguese Government shall not be held accountable for your brain falling into a vegetative state after staring too hard at their busty females. What, I beg to ask, was the point of it all? Why make some cultures so absolutely stunning? What, as a diety, would you hope to accomplish? I’ll tell you what! (Lucky for you I speak Jehovah-nese, yeah yeah, my room in hell is getting furnished as we speak) So that your puny brain can come to no other conclusion. These Latino and Habesha girls are direct descendants of the angels that came down to mate with humans (always thought Nephilim was to sexy a name for ugly brutish giants), hence they get you to believe in God and the bible and you end up in church!!! Check mate! God 10-0 Humanity!