The Arse Theory (Girly Version)
So a few days ago, a pal of mine said I have really twisted theories…I sooo don’t!!! Ok, maybe I do. What you don’t realize is that all I’ve been giving you ARE scientific facts, for real! Just a little extrapolation and some aromat, kidogo tu. Now, I decided to show you exactly how deluded I can be at times so I’m going to give you an actual Minx Theory, bold, in capital letters and trumpets braying….tararantanta!!! (yeah, trumpets bray) THE ARSE THEORY It goes without saying that each part of our bodies was created or evolved for a reason. These functions are detrimental to our survival everyday and in the future i.e the reproductive process. The gluteul region is not left out in this ASSpect of creation. Yes, it is used for walking, running, standing up et cetera et cetera, but it’s somewhat auspicious placing in the pelvic region begs for a reevaluation of all it’s functions. Most people will say that it’s reproduction function applies only in females where it provides support, energy and essential fats for the development of the foetus. I tell you today that men’s butts also play a role! WHAAAT!!!? You’re shaking your head in disbelief? Settle yourself down comfortably, preferrably with a snack in hand, ’cause I promise this’ll be good. *cracks fingers* A man’s ass or arse if you’re British with that gorgeous accent, is mostly always a bunch of well developed muscles (for others is a blobby mass of turd). Biologically, muscles contain mitochondria i.e organelles that produce energy (Google organelle, it’s not my fault that you dozed throughout high school biology). Energy from the butt is primarily used in locomotion and and support of the upper body. This is where it gets interesting. This energy is used for other purposes too. Locomotion i.e movement that doesn’t involve walking… Can you smell the idea taking root…no, don’t shake your head…denial ain’t just a river in Egypt you know… Stay with me here. Yes, it’s been said time and time again that men do most of the work during coital relations, I’m not denying it. Well, where do you think this energy comes from? Definitely not the feet or knees, those are just support. And the thighs are just not big enough to produce that number of Joules, especially not on our scrawny legged Kenyan men. Left in this region is, you guessed it, the butt. An uninterupted mass of flesh. Packed with enough mitochondria, producing enough power to heat up my frozen chapo. You ask what’s the reproductive significance. Well, think of this. Dudes pick up potential mates after assessing their baby bearing capabilities, i.e mammary glands (large to extra large), hips to waist ratio (between 8-9), facial features (wouldn’t want your baby to look like a mongoose now, would you?) Why shouldn’t chicks have a list? Six pack (if he can lift himself off the floor, he can lift you too… umm…in case of a fire), side burns (you want a good hair line on your kid), nice muscular arms (more lifting), nice face, bank account etc (we’ll get into the list some other time) Back to the ass. It is said the purpose of the female orgasm is so that the contractions of her vaginal walls suck in semen directing it into the uterus and subsequently the fallopian tubes where one out of a million sperm meets the ever grateful ova and they kiss, fall in love, a little penetration and a zygote is formed- voila fertilization. If a guy has a nice firm really muscular ass then he’ll have an adequate amount of energy to not just merely ‘tap that’ but to hit it so hard it lands a million light years away! That is, give her an orgasm so hard it’ll cause several earthquakes. This might even shake out a few other ova from her ovaries and form not one but eight zygotes (over active imagination) See, many babies. Another thing, when is the condom most likely to break? When having slow lingering sex or when having that rowdy kinky very loud action that can only be described as a ‘mind altering fuck? From the many girl talks I’ve participated in, females have long understood that the best people to provide these kinds of coital relations are rugby players (those thighs that ass! WAAAH!!!) Baby making ass, that’s what we should start calling it, BMA.