The Chipo Experience: Perfect Quickies
It’s a Saturday today, and yesterday a vast majority of you was our shaking booty and drowning your livers at various Anti-Mututho establishments across this great drinking nation. During all the grinding and winding to Nigerian and Jamaican hits, the girls got wet, wild and horny and the boys complied with hardened members thrusting through jeans into clothed asses on the dance floor. And why not? Dancing has been long considered a mating ritual in the animal kingdom! The Chipo phenomenon proves that humans haven’t been left out of this evolutionary mechanism of picking people to do the bedroom jiggy with. Unfortunately, the great hindrance to a successful dance hall courtship, is the very thing that we rely on to make it easier to get the girl naked. Alcohol. After buying thousands worth of liquor for this girl, you dance and find your pelvises move in a synchrony that could only mean mind blowing sex awaits, she becomes compliant, you make out at a seedy corner of the bar and you’re sure she’s coming home with you. You’re ecstatic, so is she. You buy more drinks, she spends her ‘just in case’ cab money. It is desperation hour (3-4 am) and for once neither of you is desperate. A toast to celebrate!!! At this point one of three things happens, 1. You black out, 2. She blacks out, 3. You both black out. The black out is never immediate. For the girl it almost always happens in the cab on the way to his place. For the dude, in his bed just after he realizes he’s too drunk to get it up. Coupled with the inevitable mwaura-ing (puking), the environment after a night out becomes decidedly unsexy. No sex for either of you and an awkward morning the day after. Flash back to the point after you’ve danced and gotten mad horny on the floor. This is where your first mistake happens people. At this point you should do one of two things 1. Stop drinking 2. Have a quickie. Because none of you are weak pussies I expect you to pick the second option. The quickie is the better option here because you stop drinking by default and you get to give her a mad round of whiskey dick to whet her appetite for later bedroom shenanigans. This isn’t to say that the quickie is fool proof. No. You could fuck it up so bad she’ll stand on the bar and announce it to everyone there, and then walk around all of Westie warning every girl she meets to stay clear of your disaster phallus. This is how to make sure she screams in ululations at that first drunken quickie: 1. Flirting “Ah Minx! Stop telling us the obvious!” If it’s so obvious then why do you get it so wrong? First thing you should get is her number. In this digital age we’re veritable olympic champions at sexting. Do not wait to do it a few days later. Start at the pub. Girls love words. A little undercover sexting, with her friends and yours seated right there, unaware that you just told her she smells so good you can’t wait to take off her panties and bury them in your nostrils. “All I can think about is licking behind your ear, kissing and nibbling on your neck. Tongue trailing lower to the cleft in between you…” Get her so wet and ready, clit throbbing in time with her heartbeat, that the mere suggestion of a quickie makes her pussy quiver. 2. Location, location, location The pub’s restroom, a side street near the club, right there on the dance floor with her dress hiked up and you fly open, an empty room if you’re at a house party, parking lot, in a car…wherever you’re comfortable, the possibilities are endless. The possibility of being caught is sexy as fuck! Actually being caught? Not so much. Be on the lookout for passersby, creeps with cameras (you don’t want to end up on YouTube)—and, er, the police. 3. Get Slippery You have been drinking and alcohol is known to dehydrate. The truth is that no matter how horny she is, she might not be wet enough. To avoid friction that’ll cause a great deal of pain, always be sure to carry lube with you. DO NOT use lotion, Vaseline, baby oil or any petroleum products as lube. That’s just inviting infection to an otherwise delightful vaj. Water based lubricants are perfect for this kind of thing. Invest in a good lubricant. Just a little and you’re raring to go! No foreplay required and perfect after the drying that comes after a night out. 4. Take The Direct Route This is a quickie, any acrobatics take time away when you could be inside her counting to the standard 40 strokes required to make her cum (aye KOT?) Doggie is always a favorite. Give the penis direct access to her gspot and voila! Lightning fast orgasm for her and deep penetration for him. If you’ve chosen a hard surface, like a table or bed, then missionary is the truth. It’s a tried and tested formula and it’s perfect for clitoral stimulation with his pubic bone area. Or you could try stand up sex and have him reach down to your clit and rub away as he thrusts. This will send you over the edge in record time. The best part of the clubbing quickie is that even if you drink yourself silly afterwards, both of you have had a sterling performance and any failure to perform won’t be as embarrassing. She will respect you as a stallion and he won’t give bitter monologues online about the b**** he spent a fortune on that blacked out in the cab then puked on his converse sneaks.