Secrets

The Motherhood Conundrum

In society single mothers are viewed as either saints or whores. Yes, I understand that it’s much the same for other women, but I assure you that for mothers, the judgement is much much worse. When your womb is fresh and the skin of your abdomen supple and unmarred with unsightly stretch marks, it’s acceptable for you to move from one man to the other with just the excuse “he wasn’t right for me.” Provided you don’t dress like a lady of the night or drink like a Scot, society will brand you respectable and laud your man hopping as the mark of a serious girl that knows what she wants.
“That one is not in a hurry to get married. She wants to be an established, independent woman of means before she settles down and gets children. She wants to have lives her life and had her adventures before she becomes a monther. Hana mapepe.”
See, for single mothers dating in this form is unacceptable. You cannot go from man to man, leaving them ovyo ovyo just because ‘it didn’t work out’. That’s flimsy and will brand you the most feared of all tags, ‘Bad Mother‘ *shudders*. How dare you expose your children to your whorish behavior of loving and leaving men just because you’re not compatible in any way? Your problem is that you keep on picking bad men! Why do you think it’s acceptable to introduce your child to three different men in before he/she has turned 18? Raising your child in an unhealthy environment, for what? Sex? Si ukae bila mwanaume! Take a break from men. Funga miguu ulee watoto wako! Who’s raising your kid as you go spreading your legs for every man that calls you his fierce tiger (your stretch marks are beautiful) and your hole is super tight – like a virgin’s…? Who do you expect to look after your kids after you catch a disease as you prostitute yourself and die? Eh? Tell me? Why can’t you just stop with the dating and concentrate on your kids? All these questions! From well meaning family and friends who think your child is going to need therapy just because mommy has a healthy sexual appetite and a standards scale that won’t allow her to stay with a man who declared during the first date that he wants to marry her, just because he wanted to get into her panties that much faster. Yeah lads, we see right through that ploy. Just because I’m a single mum doesn’t mean my clit throbs at the mere possibility of a wedding to legitimize my existence as a mother. I don’t need a ring to raise my children. You feel awkward that I pushed a life out of this vagina that you want, before getting married, I don’t. So don’t come at me with the
‘you’re marriage material, these unattached girls aren’t serious enough for me, yes, I think I will marry you if you make me happy, can I meet your son, he’ll love me, he can call me daddy if he wants, how’s our beautiful daughter, did she get better from her flu, tell her daddy says hi…’
on the first, second, third date. It’s way creepy! If I’m going to sleep with you I’ll do it regardless of whether you take an interest in my child, if sex is what’s on the table. Superimposing yourself into our lives and deciding without being asked, to be the dominant father figure in my child’s life just to get pussy is presumptuous, disrespectful and very weird. If I do sleep with you after all that, I’m doing it, IN SPITE of not because of your weird seduction methods. Single mothers are people. Horny people. Emotional people. Imperfect people. We are going to date. We are going to have sex. We are also going to fall in love and have that relationship go to shit. My mother was a single mum at some point in out lives. That was the happiest time of my childhood because she was happier than she ever had been or ever would be, in those few years of ‘freedom’ from marriage and the shackles of men. She dated, she brought the guys home and they proceeded to take us out too, to impress us. I loved it! Awesome outings, expensive gifts, a happy fun loving mother! She was honest with us about her life. Telling us everything that was going on in an open manner easy for kids to understand.
‘I cannot be with him anymore because he smokes. He cheated on me and I found out. There’s no way I could stay with someone who I wasn’t in love with. He got too clingy and that can beget a dangerous obsession if left unchecked.’
I have never again been so connected with my mother. Instead of breaking me down and ruining my childhood, those years made me a better human. I have the emotional stability of a Buddhist and the sexual self confidence of a renaissance madam. I learned that it’s ok to want to be happy. That it’s ok to be yourself and have people respect you for it. I learned that the only way to ensure stability in my family life was to be honest about the goings on in it. Children are part of a family too and truth should be the source of your stability, your family’s foundation. Kids aren’t stupid, they know when things are wrong, hiding it from them only makes them feel insecure. So be honest with them about what makes you happy, do not hide things from them for the sake of respectability. That bond you formed during breastfeeding goes both ways. Your kid will know you’re lying even before your mate does. Your child will sense your unhappiness beneath your smiley facade. Growing up with a depressed mother is a nightmare! Then they’re told by friends how you used to be crazy happy, spontaneous and adventurous and they can’t shake the fear that it’s their fault you’re so unhappy. They will grow up insecure because you just couldn’t give in and get some. When society tells mothers to ‘slow down’ we realize that we are far off from total liberation from repectability politics. We are saying that girls are allowed to be ‘wild’ and free but it’s not acceptable to teach our children that it’s ok for them to be so…
Of course it’s alright for a girl to be sexual…just not in front of the children! *gasp*
I’m always saying that the things common to every human being are the things we never put to voice. Sex is one of those things. We not only do it, but also, it’s is the reason for our being. We live through sex. We live to sex! We are born sexual creatures, by our mothers, who are also sexual creatures. Why is it that we decided as society that these would be the last people to be allowed a sexual personality? It is unhealthy of you to raise your child in an environment devoid of sexuality! There! You will raise an emotionally stunted child that clings to your image of sexual purity and who will come to think of the sex act as a dirty depraved thing. So go ahead, single mother. Decide to live your life without men. Ignore your body and it’s needs. Become bitter, say all men are dogs and stop dating altogether, because you got tired of the lectures on man hopping. By all means, shut your legs and see if your kids give you a thank you card because of the occasional uncontrollable fits of anger and melancholy you get because of the frustration brought on by lack of sexual release. Sacrifice! Oh yes, they will be grateful to learn of real life relationships from Alejandro on telly instead of from their saintly virgin mum who would die before she let a man touch her down there before her kids are all out of the house. Forget that you shape the world view on women and instead become the version of us you wish you didn’t have to be. I know dating is hard but it was hard even before you got a child. Yes, men are pigs but…ok siezi watetea… You deserve happiness regardless of how much your last kid stretched you out. There’s chubby chasers out there that thirst for your tyres. There’s men out there that’ll only ask to meet your baby after a year plus of dating and will never presume to replace its father. There’s guys out there with mandingo dicks that’ll make you grateful you’d passed a human through your vagina before meeting them. There’s so much adventure and love to be had if you just found the courage. It’ll make you better, I promise. A better human, a better woman, and most of all the best mother you could ever hope to be.

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